Hubby and I both woke up really early. Stress will do that to you. We took that opportunity to throw some clothes in the hotel washer/dryer so hubby would have something clean to wear on the flight home the next day.
We all gathered in the lobby for the free breakfast as usual and planned our day. B's golf buddy called us back to tell us that it would be best to abide by M's wishes about the ashes, despite the fact that B wanted some spread on his beloved golf course.
The lawyer had agreed to give us a private reading of the will, but since nobody was named in it, it didn't really matter at that point, it would be up to M to abide by his wishes. We knew that probably wouldn't happen, but were in not legal position to change that course of action. We cancelled the appointment and decided that we would go pick up the ashes to save M a drive, and then try to spend the last day together doing less stressful things.
We carried all of the things we had from the house up to J & BA's room so they could drive it back and mail us a box. That consisted of the two photo albums, the external hard drive that contained B's photos, and two sweaters. J held up one of the sweaters and pointed out not ironically that the sweater M let him have was the very sweater that he bought and gave to B for Christmas. He announced that he was going to have a sign put on the back: "My father died and all I got was this sweater that I gave to him for Christmas."
It wasn't until a week later that we realized that the only things M would let go were the things that boys had bought B as gifts. Hubby and I had purchased a high end SLR camera for him, and M gave that back to hubby, who then gave it to J because he didn't have a good camera. J and B both got sweaters that J had gifted to B. Bizarre.
We grabbed the empty urn out of the room and drove to the funeral home. It was our intention to just have them put the cremains in the urn and then take it to M, but they had legal paperwork that she needed to sign, and we couldn't. They told us that they would take the urn and have the cremains put into it, and as soon as M brought back the signed paperwork, they would release them to her. We took the paperwork and left with a small warning that they may want to call her if nobody showed up after a while. We figured she'd misplace the paperwork and forget.
The timeline of that last day is a bit foggy. We drove around and revisited their old neighborhood again and got to talk to some people they knew as kids. We ended up at the local mall and walked around, got something to eat. I think we were just delaying the final meeting with M. Nobody seemed to have a lot of strength or will to deal with it any more.
As we walked around the mall we joked about the various things we could have done to the urn. Hubby found a motion sensor hand that when you walked near it, it would give you the finger. We talked about taking the urn on fun trips and taking pictures of it. One of us said that we needed a picture of us walking with the urn about 10 feet behind us (because that's how they always walked "with" us). We could take it to casinos and strip clubs, on the golf course, etc.
We finally made it over to M's house. As we got out of the truck, the neighbor from across the street called to us and asked how B was doing. Um... he died a week ago? She said that she knew something was wrong because they hadn't put their trash on the curb and offered to help M with that. We told her that it was very nice to offer to do those things, but M also needed to learn how and when to do those things for herself (because she kept reminding us that she could handle everything on her own). BA stayed on the curb talking to the neighbors while we went inside. M met us in the doorway and said "What is BA doing talking to MY neighbor?" and rushed outside without waiting for an answer. BA came inside shortly after while M stayed out talking to the neighbor. As expected, when M came inside she lit into BA, yelling and shouting that we don't need to be talking about family business to complete strangers and to mind our own business, she's an adult and can handle her own life, she didn't need us. We explained that she had mentioned taking the garbage can to the curb. M spit back: "That's B's job, I don't have to worry about that."
Ok, so J handed her the cremation form that she needed to sign and return to the funeral home. He explained twice what she needed to do, but I could tell that M wasn't paying any attention because she was upset about us talking to the neighbor and kept saying that she couldn't balance her bank statement because the numbers kept changing. J tried to get her to focus on the form that she was just flapping around. She stomped off and put it somewhere in her office and came back out and was still talking about the number changing bank account. Someone mentioned that we could all just take her to the funeral home to pick up the urn, but she dismissed that and told us she was much too busy with balancing the account.
We all sat down in the living room. The stack of papers on the dining room table was much smaller, the shredder sitting near a chair. We chit chatted for a while, circling back around to the urn and cremains and what needed to be done, but each time she'd get visibly upset and angry, so we dropped it. After some uncomfortable silence, the boys asked if there was ANYTHING they could do for her while we were all there. NOPE! I can handle everything, I don't need anyone.
Ok. We told her that we all needed to do things to get ready to leave in the morning. We repeated that we were leaving in the morning. Have we mentioned that we're leaving in the morning? Yes, we are leaving in the morning so if there's anything you need. .. NO. Ok, then we'll be going.
We all hugged her, told her how sorry we were for her loss and how much we loved B and that all she needed to do was call (although I have no idea what we can do for her), and she showed us the door and told us that she needed to get back to balancing the bank account before the numbers changed again.
For the rest of the day and evening, we went to some nice places to eat and talk and just try to detox from the whole thing. We spent some time laughing and talking in the hotel lobby and then we said our good byes because we had to get up at 0300 to catch a 0545 flight back to the east coast.
Aftermath 9 November 2017
After we landed back home, hubby called J to let him know that we had made it home safely.
J told him that about an hour into their drive back to Oregon, M called him and said "Aren't you boys coming to pick me up to go to breakfast?" J explained that we were on a plane and he and BA were on the road driving home. She hung up on him without another word.
When J and BA arrived home, there were several messages on their machine from B's sister, and each message was more and more frantic... she was asking about her brother, and what had happened.
J called B's brother and found out that M had finally called him to let him know that B passed away... 5 days after he passed away, 3 days after they had a service for him. That wasn't bad enough. M then called him 2 more times to tell him the exact same thing. B's brother was the one that called their sister to let her know. M didn't even bother calling her.
The funeral home called J to let him know that M had called the funeral home 6 times asking where B's urn and cremains were. Each time they would explain that we had dropped off the form she needed to bring back and sign and they would give her the urn with cremains. SIX times she called, oblivious to the fact that she was told the same thing over and over. On call #6, the funeral home director told her that she would bring a copy of the form and the urn with cremains to M's house. The funeral home director told J that they felt that was much safer than having M driving.
We all think that at some point, M will find the form that we had dropped off and she will start calling the funeral home asking where B's urn and ashes are. We're just waiting for that call to come.
J and BA made calls to the police department about our concerns, they directed them to call the local Senior Services Department (which they did). They also called M's doctor to let them know of our concerns. Under state law, we can't force M to go to the doctor for an evaluation, M has to come on her own volition. The head nurse did say she would make M an appointment, call her and tell her she had an appointment, but it was up to M to actually show up for the appointment. J called the local relative and asked if she could help M remember the appointment and make sure she got to it. The local relative refused because she felt that M was perfectly fine and that we were just trying to do something sneaky. Yep, there's no lengths that we won't go through to get a train set and some salt and pepper shakers. We're evil that way.
Three days after we left, M called J and asked him for help with the paperwork and finances. Had she allowed us to set up her computer so the boys could remote in, or at the very least make a copy of their finances to see what needed to be done, they could help her, but she didn't allow that, wouldn't even let them see her financials or any paperwork and told them over and over that she could handle everything on her own... so no, we can't help her. She called back 10 minutes after they talked and asked him the same thing.
Ten days after we left, hubby called M who said that she couldn't figure out the paperwork, couldn't balance her bank statements, so she will go to the lawyers and have them take care of everything and pay her bills. Um... lawyers aren't accountants, and lawyers are also very expensive, so she's paying someone who isn't qualified to handle her finances and charge her way too much money to do something they aren't qualified to do. As we predicted, she will quickly run out of money. Our best hope is that they can see that she isn't capable of caring for herself and put her in a nice home, but we also know the nature of these things and as we also predicted, whether she signs everything over to the lawyer, or the state swoops in, the house, its belongings and everything will be sold and nobody in the family will get one red cent, nobody will get family pictures or train sets, or salt and pepper shakers... it'll all be gone. As it is also the nature of things, she will be placed in the cheapest place and probably receive substandard care... which means as we also predicted, it will be up to us to make sure that doesn't happen. Unfortunately it will happen after all of her money is gone, all of her belongings sold and money spent of legal fees. We tried to help her. We tried to make sure she would have been cared for, safe, and healthy. She said no.
As much as she infuriated us, treated the boys like crap their entire lives, belittled and pushed the daughters-in-law away (they told BA at her wedding that they wished J was marrying someone else because he would be much happier)... we are all decent people and it is our duty to take care of our parents when they are unable to. I just wish she would have made it easier.
Postscript: After we returned home, hubby turned on his computer and fired up Facebook and got an immediate notification that he had a message waiting on the Facebook Messenger app... from his father. It was simply a picture of Multnomah Falls, a place they used to visit a lot when hubby was a child. It had been sent on October 25, 2017. We have no idea why it just popped up suddenly, other than we hope it was B's way of saying that he was in a much nicer place.
Postscript: Hubby called his mother (he and J call every few days to make sure she's fine) and asked M if she was still planning on flying out here to go to his college graduation ceremony. He said that he knew how important it was for them (since they had nagged and bitched for years about how disappointed they were that he never went to college) M responds "well, it was ONLY important to B" and said she's not coming.
J told him that about an hour into their drive back to Oregon, M called him and said "Aren't you boys coming to pick me up to go to breakfast?" J explained that we were on a plane and he and BA were on the road driving home. She hung up on him without another word.
When J and BA arrived home, there were several messages on their machine from B's sister, and each message was more and more frantic... she was asking about her brother, and what had happened.
J called B's brother and found out that M had finally called him to let him know that B passed away... 5 days after he passed away, 3 days after they had a service for him. That wasn't bad enough. M then called him 2 more times to tell him the exact same thing. B's brother was the one that called their sister to let her know. M didn't even bother calling her.
The funeral home called J to let him know that M had called the funeral home 6 times asking where B's urn and cremains were. Each time they would explain that we had dropped off the form she needed to bring back and sign and they would give her the urn with cremains. SIX times she called, oblivious to the fact that she was told the same thing over and over. On call #6, the funeral home director told her that she would bring a copy of the form and the urn with cremains to M's house. The funeral home director told J that they felt that was much safer than having M driving.
We all think that at some point, M will find the form that we had dropped off and she will start calling the funeral home asking where B's urn and ashes are. We're just waiting for that call to come.
J and BA made calls to the police department about our concerns, they directed them to call the local Senior Services Department (which they did). They also called M's doctor to let them know of our concerns. Under state law, we can't force M to go to the doctor for an evaluation, M has to come on her own volition. The head nurse did say she would make M an appointment, call her and tell her she had an appointment, but it was up to M to actually show up for the appointment. J called the local relative and asked if she could help M remember the appointment and make sure she got to it. The local relative refused because she felt that M was perfectly fine and that we were just trying to do something sneaky. Yep, there's no lengths that we won't go through to get a train set and some salt and pepper shakers. We're evil that way.
Three days after we left, M called J and asked him for help with the paperwork and finances. Had she allowed us to set up her computer so the boys could remote in, or at the very least make a copy of their finances to see what needed to be done, they could help her, but she didn't allow that, wouldn't even let them see her financials or any paperwork and told them over and over that she could handle everything on her own... so no, we can't help her. She called back 10 minutes after they talked and asked him the same thing.
Ten days after we left, hubby called M who said that she couldn't figure out the paperwork, couldn't balance her bank statements, so she will go to the lawyers and have them take care of everything and pay her bills. Um... lawyers aren't accountants, and lawyers are also very expensive, so she's paying someone who isn't qualified to handle her finances and charge her way too much money to do something they aren't qualified to do. As we predicted, she will quickly run out of money. Our best hope is that they can see that she isn't capable of caring for herself and put her in a nice home, but we also know the nature of these things and as we also predicted, whether she signs everything over to the lawyer, or the state swoops in, the house, its belongings and everything will be sold and nobody in the family will get one red cent, nobody will get family pictures or train sets, or salt and pepper shakers... it'll all be gone. As it is also the nature of things, she will be placed in the cheapest place and probably receive substandard care... which means as we also predicted, it will be up to us to make sure that doesn't happen. Unfortunately it will happen after all of her money is gone, all of her belongings sold and money spent of legal fees. We tried to help her. We tried to make sure she would have been cared for, safe, and healthy. She said no.
As much as she infuriated us, treated the boys like crap their entire lives, belittled and pushed the daughters-in-law away (they told BA at her wedding that they wished J was marrying someone else because he would be much happier)... we are all decent people and it is our duty to take care of our parents when they are unable to. I just wish she would have made it easier.
Postscript: After we returned home, hubby turned on his computer and fired up Facebook and got an immediate notification that he had a message waiting on the Facebook Messenger app... from his father. It was simply a picture of Multnomah Falls, a place they used to visit a lot when hubby was a child. It had been sent on October 25, 2017. We have no idea why it just popped up suddenly, other than we hope it was B's way of saying that he was in a much nicer place.
Postscript: Hubby called his mother (he and J call every few days to make sure she's fine) and asked M if she was still planning on flying out here to go to his college graduation ceremony. He said that he knew how important it was for them (since they had nagged and bitched for years about how disappointed they were that he never went to college) M responds "well, it was ONLY important to B" and said she's not coming.
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