I hear the floorboards creaking upstairs. Someone is awake. I hear them moving into the living room, slowly, cautiously.
I HEAR THEM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS! A slow, step by step sound, as if they were unsure of their footing. Like a horror movie, the sound of the steps got closer and closer... I cringed in my seat, unsure if it would be the tolerable B or the intolerable chatty at 5am M.... it was hubby.
We were able to feed the dogs and go back to sleep until a more decent hour... like a lamb to slaughter I got up first, rushed to the coffee maker because facing them without coffee would be suicide.
I did manage to brew a cup and sip it down before M stands at the kitchen door, knocks on the wall and in her annoying squeaky voice asks if she can come into the kitchen. Um... why are you asking? (I think), it turns out that today is her "ask if she can do everything and ask really stupid questions" day. She asked if she could get a cup of coffee. Then I had to explain how the Keurig worked, because she knew how to work the Keurig, she had worked one before but the one at this one place wasn't easy because you had to wait for the brew button to light up and then hit the brew button, but she couldn't figure that out and had to get someone to help her, and blah blah blah. I showed her how to put the cup in and hit brew.
I went out on the deck to smoke, she followed. It had rained. CLEARLY it had rained a lot last night, but she said "Oh, did you wake up and rinse off the deck?" Um... no, it rained. She looked around in amazement and then pronounced after I told her it had rained that it must have rained. It started raining again and she started to go inside, but I was still smoking and she asked if I smoked in the house and I said "No, we never smoke in the house". She asked "Oh, so you don't smoke in the house when guests are here, but do you smoke in the house when guests aren't here?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house, ever." Her: "Oh, so even when guests aren't here you don't smoke in the house?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house." while thinking "what part of NEVER don't you understand?".
Hubby finally gets up and there's the usual chit chat about donuts. Here is the "box" of donuts
Yep, a Monster Energy drink box, in another box, with tissue paper... how sanitary. We ate the donuts, they were 2 days old. For the record, we have yet to see the apples. They are still in the suitcase in the guest room. I have no idea when the official giving of the apples will occur.
It's about that time when Hubby's workplace calls to bug him on his day off. It turns out that some of his people haven't taken the mandatory training class that is due today, then another employee shows up and turns in his letter of resignation, then Hubby's boss calls to tell him that he has to wait for something to show up in e-mail then take it to the office. Hubby is now even more stressed out than normal because B and M are whispering in the kitchen in front of us, then asking questions like:
"Why would this person quit like that?"
"What do you have to take to the office?"
"Where do you think the person that quit will find a job?"
All of these questions lead to long winded stories about their past and people they knew that never really have a point that we can figure out. I'm too busy thinking "Holy crap, if Hubby has to go into work to do something, that means I'm going to be stuck alone with them for some period of time." I tell Hubby how much I hate him.
While we wait for the work e-mail to arrive, we decide to get ready and dressed and maybe go to lunch while we wait for the e-mail. Herding cats. I shower and get ready first, and just throw on some slacks and a shirt, nothing fancy, but M wants to know why I'm all dressed up. Um... I'm not. Everyone else showers and dresses except for M, who (for some reason) follows me around asking questions or telling the same stories she told the night before. Woot. While Hubby is getting dressed, M and B talk about random businesses in their town that have moved, then argue about when they moved and where they moved to. It's riveting. At one point I'm actually typing out the arrival story on my iPad and M jokingly asks if I'm writing everything down. I manage a straight face and say "no".
So... the e-mail doesn't show up, it's noon, we're all hungry, we decide to go to lunch. On the drive there we got to hear about their mechanic, a long convoluted story about something they did to her glove box (where she actually keeps gloves), and then how the mechanic is now in a nursing home. I have no idea what started that story or what the purpose was other than M hates silence.
We go to Panera, and sure enough, the moment we sit down to eat, the e-mail arrives. We eat, go home, Hubby goes inside to print out the e-mail to take to his work, drive to a Starbucks where Hubby lets us all out and he goes to work while we sit around a small table at Starbucks. B's phone is having problems, he can't find his address book. Its not a smart phone, so I try looking to see what the problem is, just to avoid conversation, but then M starts rattling off the "potato story" that goes something like this:
There's a farmer that hires a man to muck out the stalls and he does well.
Then he asks him to pile up hay, which he does well.
Then he asks him to sort potatoes, but the man asks the farmer to let him just muck out the stall because he doesn't like to make decisions.
1.) The way she told the story it lasted about 3 hours
2.) I have no idea what the point of the story is... still
3.) She told this story at the last visit.
Hubby thankfully finishes up and picks us up, and we go home to relax for a bit before we head out to dinner. At this point, the mail arrives and Hubby gets a jury duty summons, capping off a craptastic day.
So, we have reservations at 6pm at Fogo de Chao (house of all you can eat meat) that we planned for M's birthday (which was last week). We want to leave at 5 in case there is traffic, so we start rounding everyone up 45 minutes before 5 because we know what will happen... they'll want to change their pants and that will take an hour... sure enough, we got the whole, let me change something routine, and end up leaving at 5:15. Luckily traffic didn't suck nearly as bad as usually and we actually got there early. B and M had comments about just about every person we passed that was walking, obsessing about some woman with pretty bizarre looking shoes, even to the point where the woman veered off down a cross street and B pronouncing that she got on the #3 bus. Seriously?
We park, we walk to Fogo and got in earlier than our reservation time. We explain the whole concept to them: All you can eat salad bar, green side up means bring meat, red side up means stop bringing meat, get what you want.
M and B circle the salad bar as if it were a museum, looking at each item, asking what the item was, pondering the item, then stepping to the next item. I grabbed what I usually get, sat down and pretty much finished it by the time they got their salad bar items. As I'm sitting there watching, I'm amazed that M asks B if he wants some of her asparagus, and B asks M if she wants some of his cheese. People, it's ALL YOU CAN EAT, GO GET SOME IF YOU WANT IT!!!!
Finally we all start the meat eating process. M just sits there with the red side up as Hubby and I are getting all sorts of tasty meats. We have to constantly remind her to put the green side up, then use her tongs to snag the meat when its cut. The filet comes out and she wants it more well done... and pouts when B "takes the piece she wanted"... seriously? FREAKIN SERIOUSLY? The waiter dutifully rushes off and brings back a more well done piece for her, but she continues to pout over the piece that B "stole". OHMYGAH!
I am pleased to announce that when the manager come over to ask how everything was, I and I mentioned my addiction to the Parmesan pork, he made sure the Parmesan pork waiter was at the table the moment I finished the last piece... I love that guy. It was actually funny that while I was eating dessert, the Parmesan pork guy came over and we laughed.
So, for dessert we pretty much all got the strawberry cream and Hubby told the waiter that it was M's birthday, so they made up her plate with happy birthday and lit a candle and congratulated her and she was just so happy to be the center of attention. I was a bit disturbed that she couldn't blow out the candle and declared it a trick candle, picked it up (it was imbedded in a strawberry) and was waving it around precariously (I could see the headlines now: Birthday Candle starts major Baltimore fire, guts Fogo de Chao), so when she got it close to my face, I easily blew it out... it wasn't a trick candle.
More chit chat over dessert and finally time to go, but we notice that it is POURING rain. It wasn't suppose to rain, but apparently a line of storms erupted, so we stood outside under their awning until it stopped and walked over to Barnes and Noble just to walk off some of the meat. They dawdled around looking at books and talking to Hubby. I grabbed a new Moleskine and paid for it, more dawdling and when we went to leave... it was pouring rain again, so we hung out under their awning for a while until it slowed down.
We pay for parking before taking the elevator up to the truck. We were in the elevator with a very nice family with a stroller who were getting off on the floor below us. We were at the elevator door, so to make it easy, we told them we'd get off on their floor to let them get out more easily, then get back in to our floor. We get to their floor, get out, let them out, then start to get back in the elevator and M practically yells "THIS ISN'T OUR FLOOR? OH, WE WERE BEING NICE?" The family looks at us a little weird, I give them the discrete "she's senile, ignore her" look, they give the whole "Oh yeah, we understand, sucks to be you" look back. we get back on the elevator and get to the truck.
On the way home we got to hear "What is that building for? Why are those trucks parked like that? Why is that building all boarded up?" and then finally we got to hear the story of the flat tire, in a nutshell: B ran over something and got a flat, a state trooper pulled over and helped B change it, M was going to write a thank you to the state trooper, but didn't. That story was started at Camden Stadium and didn't finish until we pulled into our driveway 20 miles later.
We let the dogs out, ran to bed.
The icing on the cake was that when I published Day One on the blog... it actually published to my other public blog. I hope neither of them have figured out how to subscribe to that blog in reader because even when I deleted it and put it on this blog, it'll still be in reader... whatever.
