Every year in September, hubby would either go out to the West Coast to visit his brother and B and M would drive out to visit with them, or J would come to our house and we'd vent about B and M and have lots of coffee and food.
Each year, hubby would return home and talk about how old his parents were getting, and how concerned he was at his father's fragile state. He'd try to discuss their health, but they would brush him off, say everything was fine, even though he'd also get the whole "this will be the last time we see you" death knell talk.
This year had been particularly crappy for us. On top of some dental health issues, one of our dogs passed in April, and our remaining dog was having significant health issues and we knew that he would be passing soon. Hubby explained to his parents that he would not be going out to the West Coast for the annual visit because he couldn't risk going out there and having something happen to our last dog while he was gone.
Of course they didn't believe him. They thought it was an elaborate plan to keep them from diving to J's house to visit. They believed "they weren't wanted around any more" and we were lying to them to keep them from coming out to visit. Whatever.
We had heard (after the fact, of course) through phone calls to them every week, that B was having health issues and had been in and out of hospitals. At one point, they DROVE to California where B had some sort of health scare and was admitted to a hospital and once he was discharged, they DROVE back home despite all of our offers to fly there and drive them, or make arrangements for other transportation for them.
In October our last dog passed peacefully in our arms. The day before he passed we learned (third hand) that B was having some pretty serious heart problems and pain from his hip. It was so significant that we dug up their wills and found that we only had a draft copy of M's will... nobody had a copy of B's will.
B had been talking to Jack behind M's back and kept telling him that B had a file on his phone for "the boys", and that it contained very important information that the boys would need if something were to happen to him. J explained that it would be important for him to GIVE HIM that information now so they would know what to do... but B wouldn't give it to him, just kept telling him how important it was.
Additionally, B had told both of them that he had drafted a new will and it was important that they both be there for the reading because it had very important information about their mother and what they needed to do to take care of her if anything happened to him... except he wouldn't give us a copy and it turns out that he hadn't signed it yet. J and his wife nagged him to get it signed. Even said they would get the lawyer to come out to witness and get his signature notarized if they couldn't make it to the lawyer's office.
That never happened.
29 October 2017
Early morning 29 October 2017 our home phone rang. We never answer that phone, but when the answering machine kicked on and it was B and M's neighbor calling to tell us that B was taken by ambulance to the hospital and it didn't look good, we immediately called him back.
He told us during that call that:
- B couldn't breathe, the ambulance arrived, he coded in the ambulance and they got him back.
- B coded in the Emergency Room, the doctors were about to declare him dead, but he came back.
We learned later that this is actually what happened. Had we heard it from M, we would have dismissed it as her being dramatic and delusional, but the neighbors told us, as they were in the room when it happened, and they aren't the types to be dramatic or delusional:
B's heart stopped. The doctors and nurses tried to revive him, to no avail. They told M and the neighbors that he was gone.
They all join hands and say a prayer.
M leans over and whispers something in B's ear.
B opens his eyes and yells "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID M".
The neighbors, doctors, and nurses all crap their pants.
M starts to argue with him.
Not "OHMYGAWD he's alive it's a miracle", no happiness, no shock, no nothing... she argues with a guy that just came back from the dead.
The doctors and nurses scurry and get him stabilized and moved into ICU.
J and BA scurry to get friends to stay with their pets and get the house ready so they can drive the 4 hours to the hospital to assess the situation (because anything coming from M is just a mish mash of insanity), and the neighbors are telling them that they should really get out there. They have their own parent health issues to deal with and need to leave and they don't think M is coherent enough to deal with this alone.
B's heart stopped. The doctors and nurses tried to revive him, to no avail. They told M and the neighbors that he was gone.
They all join hands and say a prayer.
M leans over and whispers something in B's ear.
B opens his eyes and yells "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID M".
The neighbors, doctors, and nurses all crap their pants.
M starts to argue with him.
Not "OHMYGAWD he's alive it's a miracle", no happiness, no shock, no nothing... she argues with a guy that just came back from the dead.
The doctors and nurses scurry and get him stabilized and moved into ICU.
J and BA scurry to get friends to stay with their pets and get the house ready so they can drive the 4 hours to the hospital to assess the situation (because anything coming from M is just a mish mash of insanity), and the neighbors are telling them that they should really get out there. They have their own parent health issues to deal with and need to leave and they don't think M is coherent enough to deal with this alone.
31 October 2017
J and BA make it to the hospital to find out what is really going on. It turns out that the doctors believe that B's days are numbered, so they are moving him to the local Hospice House.
We start scrambling to move some money around and make flight reservations for Friday 3 November 2017, for G so he can go out there, see his father, and fly back on Monday. We are told that it may be 6 months, it may be next week when he passes, they just don't know. We make financial arrangement so that if this is a longer process, we'll have liquid cash available to make multiple trips, and ensure that we are there to help M with the loss and ensure her financials are taken care of (same thing we did when my dad passed).
J and BA go to B and M's house to check on their mother... and she refuses to let them in the house. Despite the fact that they live in a HUGE house with plenty of bedrooms, she doesn't want anyone staying there, so they get a hotel room. They also don't know what the inside of the house looks like or what is going on and why she won't let them in the house. J and BA are trying to deal with the paperwork for the Hospice House and can't get access to the things they need in the house. J finally convinces M to let him in the house, but follows him around everywhere and demands that he doesn't take anything.
Additionally, the staff at the Hospice House realizes that M isn't all there and tell J and BA that she is NOT allowed on their property unless she is escorted by someone. They tell J and BA that M told the nurses that she knows that B is faking all of this, that he's perfectly fine and she's mad at him for putting on this whole act. She keeps asking them when he can go home.
Recap: husband is dying in Hospice. Hospice calls and says you need to come, this may be it. She leaves, goes back home, goes to bed, doesn't bother to call anyone.
Running joke: Apparently M navigates by the stars and a sextant when she drives.
J, BA, and M go to the funeral home to start making arrangements. Apparently B had already made and paid for his final arrangements, but that doesn't stop M from trying to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want an obituary or any announcement of any kind. NOTHING. She doesn't want anyone called or notified. J and BA ask if any of the family was notified. NOPE. Nor was M going to call them. Seriously? So, he's dying, nobody knows, so nobody can go and see him and get closure except the immediate family?
B wanted to be cremated and his golfing buddies had talked about sprinkling some of his ashes at B's beloved golf course. He mentioned being sprinkled in one of the holes on the course and they would joke that the wind would blow him out of bounds.
NOPE! M would have none of that. As a matter of fact, she wanted a cheaper urn, she wanted barely any money spent on him at all.
Their church pastor is a really nice guy and he suggested that they have a nice luncheon and then a celebration of his life service. M begrudgingly agrees to this. When I was told this, I thought "well, who the hell is going to show up because nobody knows he's passed"
A few hours later B passes away.
We start scrambling to move some money around and make flight reservations for Friday 3 November 2017, for G so he can go out there, see his father, and fly back on Monday. We are told that it may be 6 months, it may be next week when he passes, they just don't know. We make financial arrangement so that if this is a longer process, we'll have liquid cash available to make multiple trips, and ensure that we are there to help M with the loss and ensure her financials are taken care of (same thing we did when my dad passed).
J and BA go to B and M's house to check on their mother... and she refuses to let them in the house. Despite the fact that they live in a HUGE house with plenty of bedrooms, she doesn't want anyone staying there, so they get a hotel room. They also don't know what the inside of the house looks like or what is going on and why she won't let them in the house. J and BA are trying to deal with the paperwork for the Hospice House and can't get access to the things they need in the house. J finally convinces M to let him in the house, but follows him around everywhere and demands that he doesn't take anything.
Additionally, the staff at the Hospice House realizes that M isn't all there and tell J and BA that she is NOT allowed on their property unless she is escorted by someone. They tell J and BA that M told the nurses that she knows that B is faking all of this, that he's perfectly fine and she's mad at him for putting on this whole act. She keeps asking them when he can go home.
2 November 2017
B has problems and the staff call M to tell her to come in. They try to call J, but there's an issue with the phone lines out there. When they finally get ahold of J and BA, they come out immediately, but M doesn't show up. The staff become concerned and put out a Silver Alert for her when all efforts to call and locate her go unanswered. B gets stabilized, but M is still nowhere to be found... until the Police contact her and find that she's at home. She left, got lost, returned home and went to bed. She says that it was overcast out and she couldn't navigate, so she just went back home.Recap: husband is dying in Hospice. Hospice calls and says you need to come, this may be it. She leaves, goes back home, goes to bed, doesn't bother to call anyone.
Running joke: Apparently M navigates by the stars and a sextant when she drives.
J, BA, and M go to the funeral home to start making arrangements. Apparently B had already made and paid for his final arrangements, but that doesn't stop M from trying to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want an obituary or any announcement of any kind. NOTHING. She doesn't want anyone called or notified. J and BA ask if any of the family was notified. NOPE. Nor was M going to call them. Seriously? So, he's dying, nobody knows, so nobody can go and see him and get closure except the immediate family?
B wanted to be cremated and his golfing buddies had talked about sprinkling some of his ashes at B's beloved golf course. He mentioned being sprinkled in one of the holes on the course and they would joke that the wind would blow him out of bounds.
NOPE! M would have none of that. As a matter of fact, she wanted a cheaper urn, she wanted barely any money spent on him at all.
Their church pastor is a really nice guy and he suggested that they have a nice luncheon and then a celebration of his life service. M begrudgingly agrees to this. When I was told this, I thought "well, who the hell is going to show up because nobody knows he's passed"
3 November 2017
G flies out, arrives pretty late, but they all go to the Hospice House together and see B who is heavily sedated and probably only nominally aware that G has arrived. They spend some time there and then leave to catch some sleep.A few hours later B passes away.
4 November 2017
I rush around to get flights out West.
M wants to sit with him and refuses to leave. They finally get her to leave.
M gets stuck in loops and obsesses with finding his wallet. She is convinced that someone has stolen his wallet and starts calling the Hospital and the Hospice House, even though J, BA, and G say that they will stop by each place to ask. She calls the hospital and Hospice house so many times that they ask J, BA, and G to try to get them to stop her from calling because their staff has more important things to do (and they do, seriously, they really do).
Turns out... she had his wallet in her purse. Then she fixates on finding his clothes (they are already at her house), then she fixates and some other stupid thing.
My flight was delayed a few hours and around 11pm West Coast time, I arrive at the Shit Show.
