After a very long trip and sleeping in a strange bed, I wasn't extremely coherent, but after a hot shower (and for ONCE a hotel had a shower head that blasted hot water instead of dribbling a weak stream), hubby and I went up to partake of the free breakfast and wait for J and BA to wake up and stumble to the lobby.
Tasty breakfast! Cinnamon rolls, fresh pancakes from a machine (that we threatened to steal), juices, cereals, yogurt varieties, toast and bread varieties, scrambled eggs, bacon, the works and lots and lots of coffee. Very pleasant seating area just past the lobby. The lobby had a fireplace and comfy seating.
We all plotted the day; getting M out of the house and to the church with the pictures she selected to display at the service on Tuesday, and get her something to eat. We were also invited out to a relatives house for a baked potato dinner with other family members. We didn't want to push M into doing a lot of things, as she was probably overwhelmed already, but she had already made it clear that she was an adult, could take care of herself, and that she didn't want anyone helping her with the financial things like social security, other benefits, and didn't want anyone at the reading of the will.
The will part was troublesome for everyone. We all knew that B wrote a new will and there had been some push back on him actually signing it. Nobody had copies of his old or new will, so we didn't have a clue what any of them said. B had told J that it was important they be there for the will reading, because the new will contained information they needed to know about. When asked about the will reading, M literally screamed at the boys that she would handle it alone and that she had already made an appointment for Friday (after we all left town). We put in a call to the lawyer's office and explained the situation, and that we would like to schedule a reading of the will for the boys if they were named in the will. The office said they would have the lawyer call them.
Whenever one or the other son asked about the finances, M would go nuts and scream at them. "I'm not a child, I can handle all of this myself, I don't need your help, I'm perfectly capable of handling all of this, we have plenty of money, I was an accountant and can handle my own finances, don't your dare get into my business".
Since I hadn't been there for all of this, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and chalking down some of the behavior to just losing her husband of a zillion years, but also knowing her mental state, figure it's a combination of the two that makes it seem more crazy than normal.
We gird our loins and all pile into the rental SUV and drive to M's house. We knock on the door, but no answer. J calls her and says that we're at the door. She opens the garage door (which she prefers to use, whatever) and go inside.
We go inside and she's frantic because she can't balance one of their retirement accounts. No "hi", no "hey P, I'm so glad you could make it", no nothing. Whatever. It takes her a few minutes to realize that I'm there and then she gives me a hug.
Because she hadn't let them in the house without following them, we split into teams. J and BA would "help" her with the retirement reconciliation thing (and get a peek at her finances to make sure she would be ok financially) while G and I scour the house. We all had visions of rooms that resembled scenes out of hoarders or something that she may have been trying to hide. On the contrary, and much to our relief and somewhat horror, the house was incredibly clean for two people that kept everything that came into their hands. Too clean. It dawned on us that it was mostly all of her stuff, B's stuff (photography, cameras, golf things, etc.) were gone. There was a shredder set up at the kitchen table. She was busily purging B's things.
I want to be clear, it wasn't like we pulled up in a moving van to clean out the house and leave her with nothing. We all went there with the one purpose of helping her make sure she was financially, mentally, and physically sound to keep living in the house and have the means to live comfortably. When we saw that she had been actively purging everything of B's (and not to be ghoulish, but she started purging even before the body was cold), we decided that we needed to see if we could get those mementos that meant something to the boys before she destroyed them.
We also knew that B kept a weapon and our mission was to locate it and unload it and figure out how to get it out of the house. In her state of mind, we didn't want her to stumble upon it and something horrible happen. We went through everything and couldn't find it. We have no idea what became of it and can only think that she threw it away.
Before I arrived, they caught M flushing all sorts of really heavy narcotics and other drugs by the bag full down the toilet. They were like "um, you can't do that!" Her response: "yes I can, and I've been doing it every day". Um... great, way to poison the drinking water in your city M. Later we would joke that when we needed something to calm down we were going to go drink out of her toilet.
We were also searching for B's DD214, his service discharge record. B would be eligible for a burial flag and military benefits would go to M. M didn't care. She said she didn't want the flag (until G mentioned that he would like it) and even said she didn't want any money coming from veteran benefits. She said she just couldn't be bothered with that. We never found the DD214, but did find some of his military records that we hope we can use to get his burial flag behind her back.
Once the account had been easily reconciled, M started wandering around and asking the boys what things they wanted. G and J wanted to walk around the house and ask her the significance of various autographed pictures, the really large collection of salt and pepper shakers (some looked very old) that B collected and had been handed down in his family, and various things that had memories for the boys.
Every time one of them expressed an interest in something insignificant, but holding a lot of fond memories, M would say "put your name on it and I'll consider giving it to you", or "Put your name on it and you can have it when I'm dead". J pointed out the salt and pepper shakers, and M frowned and said "oh that stuff, I'm just going to throw those out so you can have those". J said, Ok, but then M said "Well, you can't have them now, put your name on it and you can have them when I'm dead."
G found a set of Pendleton blankets and expressed interest in those. M had no idea they even existed and said they were ugly, but once again said "You can't have those, you have to wait for me to die first". Everything, from the mundane, to the downright inconsequential, no matter what it was, she refused to let them take anything. It was all "HERS" and she wouldn't part with it. You know what... it is hers (unless the will said differently), but come on... a blanket you had no idea you had and didn't even like.
G mentioned that he'd like all of B's photographs (what was left of them). B had been shipping boxes and boxes of photos, slides, and negatives to us because he caught M throwing them away. M couldn't grasp what he meant by "all". As they walked around the house trying to decipher what things had family significance, M would find a photograph and say "what about this photo?".
G: Yes, all photographs.
M: Even this one?
G: Yes, ALL photographs
M: Well, you can't mean this one
G: ALL
M: You don't want this one though, right?
All of B's remaining photography was gone. B took photos of everything, literally EVERYTHING, and there was very little left. The file cabinet where he had stored photos all organized was empty. We figured out that the only pictures left were ones with M in them. We did stumble upon an old foot locker in the closet of a spare bedroom and inside were two photo albums of B's years in the U.S. Air Force. We grabbed them and put them under my coat in the living room and snuck them to the rental truck first chance with some of us blocking her with questions while the other ran out with them. We felt horrible about doing that, but she was actively shredded and throwing away everything of B's and we knew that if she ever found these albums, she would destroy them.
M did bring us photos that she didn't want, typically photos of ourselves on one of the many family trips. Everything else was off limits. If she handed you something (that she had carefully labeled with a sticky note) and said we could have it, we learned to quickly hide it, because 5 minutes later she would snatch it back and say "You can't take that".
There was only one other thing that hubby wanted in that whole house and it was the train set that he and his father had built together and had fun playing with. When they moved from their first house, it was never allowed in the new house and was boxed up and located (at least it was last seen) in the garage in the upper storage platform. There was just no easy way for anyone to get up there, and we still didn't know the whole will situation. Anything we took out of the house could be conceived by M as stealing, and we had no doubt that in her mental condition (since she already accused us of trying to steal from her) she would call the police on us. She barely let us in the house and only because we were there to help HER, but any time we brought up B, she would get angry and stomp off and would get angry if we actually tried to help or give her any advice. We pretty much had no idea what would set her off on a screaming tirade, accusation, or shut down pouting fit.
It was getting around noon and she hadn't eaten (as far as we knew). Relatives had delivered a big turkey wrap platter to her, which she simply brought inside and put on the dryer. We have no idea how long it sat on the dryer before we discovered it and put it in the fridge. The group ate some before I arrived and they felt somewhat sick afterwards, but she wouldn't let us throw it out. She kept offering it to us for lunch but we suggested we take her out for a nice meal instead. Thankfully she agreed.
Once it was decided we'd go to lunch, she had to get ready, which included running around the house gathering things, asking us the same questions over and over again, losing her purse, finding her purse, losing her purse, finding it, getting a coat, then saying she needed to go get her coat that she was already wearing and an hour later we actually made it out of the house.
We opted to go to Jimmy Johns for sandwiches. She got mad that I insisted that we pay for everyone's food and refused to talk much during the meal. She took the bread off her sandwich and ate only a small portion of the turkey and had trouble swallowing it. She wrapped the turkey into a napkin and it got thrown away with the rest of the trash by accident... except she accused us of stealing her food. Throughout the meal she kept asking us what day it was, and when we were all leaving. We dutifully responded each time. I lost count.
We had to go back to the house to pick up the pictures that she had forgotten to bring with us to take to the church. That took about a half hour (most of us stayed in the truck because good lord), and finally we were on the way to the church. We dropped off the photos and went over the lunch and services schedule. Her pastor was very nice, understanding. J and G took him aside and explained what was going on when BA and I steered M away from the conversation.
The next stop was to a jewelers to have B's ring sized for her finger. She went inside with J while the rest of us stayed outside. Suddenly M came running out frantically. She had lost her wallet. Oh geez. I grabbed her purse and started looking through it, no wallet (but B's wallet was in a compartment, and she had a checkbook stuffed with money... lovely). We had only been at the house, and Jimmy Johns, so we got in the truck to trace our steps. I wasn't concerned because she had been doing finances at the house, and most likely left it in their office.
She literally jumped out of the truck before it was parked at Jimmy Johns and ran inside, J followed. They didn't have it. She was convinced they did and had stolen it. We dragged her back into the truck and drove back to her house. She ran inside and frantically searched the house. I calmly walk inside and go to the office, lift off some papers and get the wallet and hand it to her. She hugged me and started crying. That was the first honest sign of emotion she expressed that entire visit. I explained about 14 times that it would help if she created lists of things to remember before leaving the house. She said she didn't need lists. Ok.
She wanted us to leave, so we did (gladly) and went back to the hotel after stopping for lattes (of course). We met back up at the lobby and sat in front of the fire and vented until it was time to pick her back up and take her to a relative's house for dinner. BA wasn't feeling well and stayed at the hotel (and honestly, I wish I had thought of that excuse).
We called M and went inside to help her get ready. She made a big deal of saying that she didn't need a list, she could remember everything before she left. She demonstrated by pulling her wallet and gloves out of her purse and saying "see, I have my wallet and gloves", then she sat them on the counter, picked up her purse and started walking away. "Um, M... you'll need your wallet and gloves". She got all snippy, said she knew they were there, didn't need reminding, she was an adult... then left her keys on the counter and walked away. OFFS.
On the drive to the house, she started talking about being alone in the house and nobody there and got emotional. She grabbed my hand and held it. I felt sorry for her. She held my hand for about 5 minutes, then looked down and snatched her hand away and said to me curtly "I don't need you to hold my hand, I'm an adult, I can handle these things" Okey dokey.
M was fine at the dinner. The relatives were wonderful people, great sense of humor, we chatted about family things and B. M moped when the conversation wasn't about her and wandered off in the house, but for the most part she acted like a normal person. Before dinner they said a prayer and then asked J to give a toast, which he did. M then spoke up and said she wanted to give a toast, which consisted of her saying that she shared HER house, HER life, and HER bed with B, and YELLED AT HIM (screaming) when he was frustrating, and she'll miss him. She recalled a time when they were both going to something for school and that her parents paid her way, but Bob's family was too poor, so he had to work in the family store to get the money to go. We all kind of just stood there for a moment and then clinked glasses.
We had a nice dinner, talked about things, caught up on family stories and as it was getting late, M announced she wanted to go home. We drove home in silence pretty much and dropped her off. We asked if she wanted us to come in for a moment to make sure she was fine. NOOOOOO. Ok, we waited for her to get in the house and close the garage door and left.
Back to the hotel lobby for more venting.
