As usual, the in-laws waited until everyone had gotten off the plane before dawdling to the exit. This time M was in a wheelchair, for some reason, holding a cane.
We did the usual greetings and dawdled to baggage claim the floor below. M dismissed the airline wheelchair pusher at the elevator, and we thanked him for helping her.
At baggage claim M and I broke off to some seats so that G and B could get their bags, and M explained why she was carrying a bag with a box that contained the donuts they brought. She explained in great detail that the had gone to the Dollar store for plastic containers, but when they went to pick up the donuts, the donut shop REFUSED to put them in the plastic containers because the donuts would sweat, so M punched holes in the plastic containers but then she found two old boxes that fit in the reusable shopping bag that she got from a store where she bought a lot of stuff and she got it for free, which she felt was very nice because she shopped there a lot blah blah whatever.
The bags rolled out on the conveyor and they are two HUGE rolling suitcases. For a weekend trip. Turns out that one of the huge bags contains 3 cases of apples. Seriously. One huge suitcase full of apples.
We dawdled to the truck and loaded the bags, then drove to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. Unfortunately for us, their computer was down so there was a very, very, very long wait for a waiter, food, etc. which left plenty of time for discussions about mindless things, that I blocked out.
We got home for the usual happy dog greeting. We wanted them to go to the guest room with all of their bags before we let the dogs out because we didn't want the dogs to knock over bags and people, etc. but they dawdled and wanted to stop and talk, and were talking over each other, and G was trying to herd them down the hall and they were stopping and G nearly has a stroke getting them to move.
They get in the guest room, I let the dogs out and fled with them outside to chain smoke. We finally got everyone settled in the house, chit chatted for a bit. B announces that the apples he brought were very special apples that you can't get anywhere else and it will be a wonderful treat for us... then pronounced that he brought the very same apples that we have right in our kitchen. Of course.
Shortly after that, we fled to bed.
Day 2: What Could go Wrong 10/20/2012
So at the usual time of around 5am, the dogs wanted to go out, so I snuck them downstairs and out the back door and while they snorfled around, sat at my computer to catch up on... real life.
I hear the floorboards creaking upstairs. Someone is awake. I hear them moving into the living room, slowly, cautiously.
I HEAR THEM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS! A slow, step by step sound, as if they were unsure of their footing. Like a horror movie, the sound of the steps got closer and closer... I cringed in my seat, unsure if it would be the tolerable B or the intolerable chatty at 5am M.... it was hubby.
We were able to feed the dogs and go back to sleep until a more decent hour... like a lamb to slaughter I got up first, rushed to the coffee maker because facing them without coffee would be suicide.
I did manage to brew a cup and sip it down before M stands at the kitchen door, knocks on the wall and in her annoying squeaky voice asks if she can come into the kitchen. Um... why are you asking? (I think), it turns out that today is her "ask if she can do everything and ask really stupid questions" day. She asked if she could get a cup of coffee. Then I had to explain how the Keurig worked, because she knew how to work the Keurig, she had worked one before but the one at this one place wasn't easy because you had to wait for the brew button to light up and then hit the brew button, but she couldn't figure that out and had to get someone to help her, and blah blah blah. I showed her how to put the cup in and hit brew.
I went out on the deck to smoke, she followed. It had rained. CLEARLY it had rained a lot last night, but she said "Oh, did you wake up and rinse off the deck?" Um... no, it rained. She looked around in amazement and then pronounced after I told her it had rained that it must have rained. It started raining again and she started to go inside, but I was still smoking and she asked if I smoked in the house and I said "No, we never smoke in the house". She asked "Oh, so you don't smoke in the house when guests are here, but do you smoke in the house when guests aren't here?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house, ever." Her: "Oh, so even when guests aren't here you don't smoke in the house?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house." while thinking "what part of NEVER don't you understand?".
Hubby finally gets up and there's the usual chit chat about donuts. Here is the "box" of donuts
Yep, a Monster Energy drink box, in another box, with tissue paper... how sanitary. We ate the donuts, they were 2 days old. For the record, we have yet to see the apples. They are still in the suitcase in the guest room. I have no idea when the official giving of the apples will occur.
It's about that time when Hubby's workplace calls to bug him on his day off. It turns out that some of his people haven't taken the mandatory training class that is due today, then another employee shows up and turns in his letter of resignation, then Hubby's boss calls to tell him that he has to wait for something to show up in e-mail then take it to the office. Hubby is now even more stressed out than normal because B and M are whispering in the kitchen in front of us, then asking questions like:
"Why would this person quit like that?"
"What do you have to take to the office?"
"Where do you think the person that quit will find a job?"
All of these questions lead to long winded stories about their past and people they knew that never really have a point that we can figure out. I'm too busy thinking "Holy crap, if Hubby has to go into work to do something, that means I'm going to be stuck alone with them for some period of time." I tell Hubby how much I hate him.
While we wait for the work e-mail to arrive, we decide to get ready and dressed and maybe go to lunch while we wait for the e-mail. Herding cats. I shower and get ready first, and just throw on some slacks and a shirt, nothing fancy, but M wants to know why I'm all dressed up. Um... I'm not. Everyone else showers and dresses except for M, who (for some reason) follows me around asking questions or telling the same stories she told the night before. Woot. While Hubby is getting dressed, M and B talk about random businesses in their town that have moved, then argue about when they moved and where they moved to. It's riveting. At one point I'm actually typing out the arrival story on my iPad and M jokingly asks if I'm writing everything down. I manage a straight face and say "no".
So... the e-mail doesn't show up, it's noon, we're all hungry, we decide to go to lunch. On the drive there we got to hear about their mechanic, a long convoluted story about something they did to her glove box (where she actually keeps gloves), and then how the mechanic is now in a nursing home. I have no idea what started that story or what the purpose was other than M hates silence.
We go to Panera, and sure enough, the moment we sit down to eat, the e-mail arrives. We eat, go home, Hubby goes inside to print out the e-mail to take to his work, drive to a Starbucks where Hubby lets us all out and he goes to work while we sit around a small table at Starbucks. B's phone is having problems, he can't find his address book. Its not a smart phone, so I try looking to see what the problem is, just to avoid conversation, but then M starts rattling off the "potato story" that goes something like this:
There's a farmer that hires a man to muck out the stalls and he does well.
Then he asks him to pile up hay, which he does well.
Then he asks him to sort potatoes, but the man asks the farmer to let him just muck out the stall because he doesn't like to make decisions.
1.) The way she told the story it lasted about 3 hours
2.) I have no idea what the point of the story is... still
3.) She told this story at the last visit.
Hubby thankfully finishes up and picks us up, and we go home to relax for a bit before we head out to dinner. At this point, the mail arrives and Hubby gets a jury duty summons, capping off a craptastic day.
So, we have reservations at 6pm at Fogo de Chao (house of all you can eat meat) that we planned for M's birthday (which was last week). We want to leave at 5 in case there is traffic, so we start rounding everyone up 45 minutes before 5 because we know what will happen... they'll want to change their pants and that will take an hour... sure enough, we got the whole, let me change something routine, and end up leaving at 5:15. Luckily traffic didn't suck nearly as bad as usually and we actually got there early. B and M had comments about just about every person we passed that was walking, obsessing about some woman with pretty bizarre looking shoes, even to the point where the woman veered off down a cross street and B pronouncing that she got on the #3 bus. Seriously?
We park, we walk to Fogo and got in earlier than our reservation time. We explain the whole concept to them: All you can eat salad bar, green side up means bring meat, red side up means stop bringing meat, get what you want.
M and B circle the salad bar as if it were a museum, looking at each item, asking what the item was, pondering the item, then stepping to the next item. I grabbed what I usually get, sat down and pretty much finished it by the time they got their salad bar items. As I'm sitting there watching, I'm amazed that M asks B if he wants some of her asparagus, and B asks M if she wants some of his cheese. People, it's ALL YOU CAN EAT, GO GET SOME IF YOU WANT IT!!!!
Finally we all start the meat eating process. M just sits there with the red side up as Hubby and I are getting all sorts of tasty meats. We have to constantly remind her to put the green side up, then use her tongs to snag the meat when its cut. The filet comes out and she wants it more well done... and pouts when B "takes the piece she wanted"... seriously? FREAKIN SERIOUSLY? The waiter dutifully rushes off and brings back a more well done piece for her, but she continues to pout over the piece that B "stole". OHMYGAH!
I am pleased to announce that when the manager come over to ask how everything was, I and I mentioned my addiction to the Parmesan pork, he made sure the Parmesan pork waiter was at the table the moment I finished the last piece... I love that guy. It was actually funny that while I was eating dessert, the Parmesan pork guy came over and we laughed.
So, for dessert we pretty much all got the strawberry cream and Hubby told the waiter that it was M's birthday, so they made up her plate with happy birthday and lit a candle and congratulated her and she was just so happy to be the center of attention. I was a bit disturbed that she couldn't blow out the candle and declared it a trick candle, picked it up (it was imbedded in a strawberry) and was waving it around precariously (I could see the headlines now: Birthday Candle starts major Baltimore fire, guts Fogo de Chao), so when she got it close to my face, I easily blew it out... it wasn't a trick candle.
More chit chat over dessert and finally time to go, but we notice that it is POURING rain. It wasn't suppose to rain, but apparently a line of storms erupted, so we stood outside under their awning until it stopped and walked over to Barnes and Noble just to walk off some of the meat. They dawdled around looking at books and talking to Hubby. I grabbed a new Moleskine and paid for it, more dawdling and when we went to leave... it was pouring rain again, so we hung out under their awning for a while until it slowed down.
We pay for parking before taking the elevator up to the truck. We were in the elevator with a very nice family with a stroller who were getting off on the floor below us. We were at the elevator door, so to make it easy, we told them we'd get off on their floor to let them get out more easily, then get back in to our floor. We get to their floor, get out, let them out, then start to get back in the elevator and M practically yells "THIS ISN'T OUR FLOOR? OH, WE WERE BEING NICE?" The family looks at us a little weird, I give them the discrete "she's senile, ignore her" look, they give the whole "Oh yeah, we understand, sucks to be you" look back. we get back on the elevator and get to the truck.
On the way home we got to hear "What is that building for? Why are those trucks parked like that? Why is that building all boarded up?" and then finally we got to hear the story of the flat tire, in a nutshell: B ran over something and got a flat, a state trooper pulled over and helped B change it, M was going to write a thank you to the state trooper, but didn't. That story was started at Camden Stadium and didn't finish until we pulled into our driveway 20 miles later.
We let the dogs out, ran to bed.
The icing on the cake was that when I published Day One on the blog... it actually published to my other public blog. I hope neither of them have figured out how to subscribe to that blog in reader because even when I deleted it and put it on this blog, it'll still be in reader... whatever.
I hear the floorboards creaking upstairs. Someone is awake. I hear them moving into the living room, slowly, cautiously.
I HEAR THEM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS! A slow, step by step sound, as if they were unsure of their footing. Like a horror movie, the sound of the steps got closer and closer... I cringed in my seat, unsure if it would be the tolerable B or the intolerable chatty at 5am M.... it was hubby.
We were able to feed the dogs and go back to sleep until a more decent hour... like a lamb to slaughter I got up first, rushed to the coffee maker because facing them without coffee would be suicide.
I did manage to brew a cup and sip it down before M stands at the kitchen door, knocks on the wall and in her annoying squeaky voice asks if she can come into the kitchen. Um... why are you asking? (I think), it turns out that today is her "ask if she can do everything and ask really stupid questions" day. She asked if she could get a cup of coffee. Then I had to explain how the Keurig worked, because she knew how to work the Keurig, she had worked one before but the one at this one place wasn't easy because you had to wait for the brew button to light up and then hit the brew button, but she couldn't figure that out and had to get someone to help her, and blah blah blah. I showed her how to put the cup in and hit brew.
I went out on the deck to smoke, she followed. It had rained. CLEARLY it had rained a lot last night, but she said "Oh, did you wake up and rinse off the deck?" Um... no, it rained. She looked around in amazement and then pronounced after I told her it had rained that it must have rained. It started raining again and she started to go inside, but I was still smoking and she asked if I smoked in the house and I said "No, we never smoke in the house". She asked "Oh, so you don't smoke in the house when guests are here, but do you smoke in the house when guests aren't here?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house, ever." Her: "Oh, so even when guests aren't here you don't smoke in the house?" Me: "No, we never smoke in the house." while thinking "what part of NEVER don't you understand?".
Hubby finally gets up and there's the usual chit chat about donuts. Here is the "box" of donuts
Yep, a Monster Energy drink box, in another box, with tissue paper... how sanitary. We ate the donuts, they were 2 days old. For the record, we have yet to see the apples. They are still in the suitcase in the guest room. I have no idea when the official giving of the apples will occur.
It's about that time when Hubby's workplace calls to bug him on his day off. It turns out that some of his people haven't taken the mandatory training class that is due today, then another employee shows up and turns in his letter of resignation, then Hubby's boss calls to tell him that he has to wait for something to show up in e-mail then take it to the office. Hubby is now even more stressed out than normal because B and M are whispering in the kitchen in front of us, then asking questions like:
"Why would this person quit like that?"
"What do you have to take to the office?"
"Where do you think the person that quit will find a job?"
All of these questions lead to long winded stories about their past and people they knew that never really have a point that we can figure out. I'm too busy thinking "Holy crap, if Hubby has to go into work to do something, that means I'm going to be stuck alone with them for some period of time." I tell Hubby how much I hate him.
While we wait for the work e-mail to arrive, we decide to get ready and dressed and maybe go to lunch while we wait for the e-mail. Herding cats. I shower and get ready first, and just throw on some slacks and a shirt, nothing fancy, but M wants to know why I'm all dressed up. Um... I'm not. Everyone else showers and dresses except for M, who (for some reason) follows me around asking questions or telling the same stories she told the night before. Woot. While Hubby is getting dressed, M and B talk about random businesses in their town that have moved, then argue about when they moved and where they moved to. It's riveting. At one point I'm actually typing out the arrival story on my iPad and M jokingly asks if I'm writing everything down. I manage a straight face and say "no".
So... the e-mail doesn't show up, it's noon, we're all hungry, we decide to go to lunch. On the drive there we got to hear about their mechanic, a long convoluted story about something they did to her glove box (where she actually keeps gloves), and then how the mechanic is now in a nursing home. I have no idea what started that story or what the purpose was other than M hates silence.
We go to Panera, and sure enough, the moment we sit down to eat, the e-mail arrives. We eat, go home, Hubby goes inside to print out the e-mail to take to his work, drive to a Starbucks where Hubby lets us all out and he goes to work while we sit around a small table at Starbucks. B's phone is having problems, he can't find his address book. Its not a smart phone, so I try looking to see what the problem is, just to avoid conversation, but then M starts rattling off the "potato story" that goes something like this:
There's a farmer that hires a man to muck out the stalls and he does well.
Then he asks him to pile up hay, which he does well.
Then he asks him to sort potatoes, but the man asks the farmer to let him just muck out the stall because he doesn't like to make decisions.
1.) The way she told the story it lasted about 3 hours
2.) I have no idea what the point of the story is... still
3.) She told this story at the last visit.
Hubby thankfully finishes up and picks us up, and we go home to relax for a bit before we head out to dinner. At this point, the mail arrives and Hubby gets a jury duty summons, capping off a craptastic day.
So, we have reservations at 6pm at Fogo de Chao (house of all you can eat meat) that we planned for M's birthday (which was last week). We want to leave at 5 in case there is traffic, so we start rounding everyone up 45 minutes before 5 because we know what will happen... they'll want to change their pants and that will take an hour... sure enough, we got the whole, let me change something routine, and end up leaving at 5:15. Luckily traffic didn't suck nearly as bad as usually and we actually got there early. B and M had comments about just about every person we passed that was walking, obsessing about some woman with pretty bizarre looking shoes, even to the point where the woman veered off down a cross street and B pronouncing that she got on the #3 bus. Seriously?
We park, we walk to Fogo and got in earlier than our reservation time. We explain the whole concept to them: All you can eat salad bar, green side up means bring meat, red side up means stop bringing meat, get what you want.
M and B circle the salad bar as if it were a museum, looking at each item, asking what the item was, pondering the item, then stepping to the next item. I grabbed what I usually get, sat down and pretty much finished it by the time they got their salad bar items. As I'm sitting there watching, I'm amazed that M asks B if he wants some of her asparagus, and B asks M if she wants some of his cheese. People, it's ALL YOU CAN EAT, GO GET SOME IF YOU WANT IT!!!!
Finally we all start the meat eating process. M just sits there with the red side up as Hubby and I are getting all sorts of tasty meats. We have to constantly remind her to put the green side up, then use her tongs to snag the meat when its cut. The filet comes out and she wants it more well done... and pouts when B "takes the piece she wanted"... seriously? FREAKIN SERIOUSLY? The waiter dutifully rushes off and brings back a more well done piece for her, but she continues to pout over the piece that B "stole". OHMYGAH!
I am pleased to announce that when the manager come over to ask how everything was, I and I mentioned my addiction to the Parmesan pork, he made sure the Parmesan pork waiter was at the table the moment I finished the last piece... I love that guy. It was actually funny that while I was eating dessert, the Parmesan pork guy came over and we laughed.
So, for dessert we pretty much all got the strawberry cream and Hubby told the waiter that it was M's birthday, so they made up her plate with happy birthday and lit a candle and congratulated her and she was just so happy to be the center of attention. I was a bit disturbed that she couldn't blow out the candle and declared it a trick candle, picked it up (it was imbedded in a strawberry) and was waving it around precariously (I could see the headlines now: Birthday Candle starts major Baltimore fire, guts Fogo de Chao), so when she got it close to my face, I easily blew it out... it wasn't a trick candle.
More chit chat over dessert and finally time to go, but we notice that it is POURING rain. It wasn't suppose to rain, but apparently a line of storms erupted, so we stood outside under their awning until it stopped and walked over to Barnes and Noble just to walk off some of the meat. They dawdled around looking at books and talking to Hubby. I grabbed a new Moleskine and paid for it, more dawdling and when we went to leave... it was pouring rain again, so we hung out under their awning for a while until it slowed down.
We pay for parking before taking the elevator up to the truck. We were in the elevator with a very nice family with a stroller who were getting off on the floor below us. We were at the elevator door, so to make it easy, we told them we'd get off on their floor to let them get out more easily, then get back in to our floor. We get to their floor, get out, let them out, then start to get back in the elevator and M practically yells "THIS ISN'T OUR FLOOR? OH, WE WERE BEING NICE?" The family looks at us a little weird, I give them the discrete "she's senile, ignore her" look, they give the whole "Oh yeah, we understand, sucks to be you" look back. we get back on the elevator and get to the truck.
On the way home we got to hear "What is that building for? Why are those trucks parked like that? Why is that building all boarded up?" and then finally we got to hear the story of the flat tire, in a nutshell: B ran over something and got a flat, a state trooper pulled over and helped B change it, M was going to write a thank you to the state trooper, but didn't. That story was started at Camden Stadium and didn't finish until we pulled into our driveway 20 miles later.
We let the dogs out, ran to bed.
The icing on the cake was that when I published Day One on the blog... it actually published to my other public blog. I hope neither of them have figured out how to subscribe to that blog in reader because even when I deleted it and put it on this blog, it'll still be in reader... whatever.
Day 3: Words Fail Me 10/21/2012
I know that it's a conspiracy that I'm awake before Hubby and therefore have to spend the first hour or so alone with one or both of them. Yesterday was no different. M was sitting on the couch reading when I stumbled out of our bedroom with the dogs, took them outside, sat downstairs for as long as humanly possibly without it being obvious that I was sitting downstairs for as long as humanly possible (the dogs beating on the back door and wooing to come inside gave me away).
I fed the dogs, got coffee, sat at the kitchen table while the dogs ate. M pops her head in and asks if she can come into the kitchen (NO!), then asks if she can pull out one of the kitchen chairs and sit down (NO!), I mean seriously? She's sitting there fidgeting and looking at the coffee machine and I ask her if she wants coffee. "Oh yes, but I'm afraid I can't find the coffee cup I was using yesterday". I peel back a paper towel that's wrapped around a coffee cup "You mean this one" and start making her coffee. She was immediately happy again and folded the paper towel and put it aside to use again.
For the 15th time she asked me in that squeaky childish voice if Hubby was going alone to the BBQ this afternoon or if we were all going. When I told her for the 16th time that we were all going, she looked happy... no, not happy, more like she thought they weren't going, but because she asked so many times, we changed our minds and were allowing them to go.
Around that time Hubby gets up and passed M in the hallway, and as he later tells me, she stopped him and said that if we were all going someone place today, that she and B would need more than 15 minutes notice to get ready. Pretty much we've given them 30-45 minutes prior notice, which they then take an hour to actually "change their pants".
Around noonish we finally get ready to head to the charity BBQ out in Western Maryland. We stop at Starbucks, we TOLD them we were going to stop at Starbucks because the drive out to the BBQ was a good hour, and we didn't want them to starve to death before we got there. You would think that if you were told you were going someplace that you've been to a lot, and that you are familiar with their menu and what they sell, that you would have a pretty good idea what you want before you get there, but no. To B and M, even though you've been to Starbucks regularly, it seems that each day is a whole new menu and whole new experience as they just can't seem to walk in without a conference, then some discussion, asking everybody in the place what they are having, then deciding to share something.
At each and every gas station we pass these past 6,000 days they've been here, M will look at the price of gas and say "Gas is 30 cents cheaper, we really should take some home with us". (in your purse with leftovers, I think in my head)
For anonymity sake I'm not going to say what organization this charity BBQ was being run by, but my hubby is a charter member of the National chapter of this organization, but I'm not a member, but the running gag is that Hubby keeps me down in a hole in our basement and lets me out once in a while. We've even done "proof of life" photos as a joke, so when we pull up to the farm and walk down to where the pig roast is, everyone is happily greeting hubby, remarking about how I must have either escaped the hole or hubby lowered the ladder, and then we'd turn an introduce B and M, pretty much as "and hubby's parents are here visiting with us" because when you are walking through groups of people, you don't go into much detail or else you'll never get to the actual event, you wait until you get where you're going and fill in the blanks then.
Apparently M was not happy, and now that I think back on it, it probably seemed like the "stuck me in a hole" running joke (that I happily encourage by the way) in M's eye was demeaning. You may recall that she has a bit of a feminazi side to her in that she does not like to be referred to as Mrs.
So, as we got to the main group of people and some of our closest friends and higher up organization members, the VP's wife gathered people around and introduced them as Hubby's mom and dad. M literally shrieked that her name was M and she didn't want to be called "hubby's mom". The VP's wife looked at her and said "excuse me?" and M shrieked it again. The VP's wife was like "ok" and looked at me, I rolled my eyes, and everyone pretty much quickly scattered, including me.
So Hubby, B, and I mingle, drink, eat some food, chat with people, and M is pretty much staying to herself because at this point, nobody wants to talk to her. I walk off to see a litter of puppies with a friend and member and she asks me about M, I simply tell her that she's a "piece of work" and she pretty much agrees. When I get back, Hubby and B have taken a walk up to see the puppies and there's M, sitting in the pool house by herself.
Hubby and I go get a plate of roast pig to share with B and M, but M insists that she go get her own plate and in a huff she goes and gets some food and eats it in the pool house by herself.
About this time a lot of people are leaving so of course we are forced to go console M and sit with her so she's not lonely. She does that. She makes a scene, pouts, and then you have to go to her and cheer her up... that's how she becomes the center of attention. We finally just say, screw it, and decide to leave because it's already an uncomfortable scene, so we decide to head home, let the dogs out and spend some time at the house and tell them we'll go someplace at 6pm to eat.
The moment we get in the house, M stomps off for the guestroom and pouts. Whatever, we go about our business and play and feed the dogs and watch some tv.
6pm rolls around and she's still in the guestroom. 6:30 rolls around and she comes out of the guestroom and starts asking if she needs to change. The reason we need to eat early is because if hubby eats late, then he has to stay up later because if he doesn't, his GERD will cause him to throw up in the middle of the night... so here it's rolling on 7pm and we finally get out of the house. By the time we get our food and eat, it's around 8pm and they want to stop for ice cream on the way home, which we do. Take note: M brought some turkey home with her, and most of her cup of ice cream. At least she put the turkey in the fridge (covered) and the ice cream in the freezer.
By the time we get home it's about 9pm, so we stay up and chit chat a bit, and honestly I'm feeling a bit nauseous as well at this point. We go to bed around 10pm, and sure enough, Hubby is up at the crack of dawn throwing up, I have a migraine and am now nauseous, and so begins day 4.
For the record: still no sight of the apples that are packed in the suitcase, but M did throw away two bananas she had in her purse.
I fed the dogs, got coffee, sat at the kitchen table while the dogs ate. M pops her head in and asks if she can come into the kitchen (NO!), then asks if she can pull out one of the kitchen chairs and sit down (NO!), I mean seriously? She's sitting there fidgeting and looking at the coffee machine and I ask her if she wants coffee. "Oh yes, but I'm afraid I can't find the coffee cup I was using yesterday". I peel back a paper towel that's wrapped around a coffee cup "You mean this one" and start making her coffee. She was immediately happy again and folded the paper towel and put it aside to use again.
For the 15th time she asked me in that squeaky childish voice if Hubby was going alone to the BBQ this afternoon or if we were all going. When I told her for the 16th time that we were all going, she looked happy... no, not happy, more like she thought they weren't going, but because she asked so many times, we changed our minds and were allowing them to go.
Around that time Hubby gets up and passed M in the hallway, and as he later tells me, she stopped him and said that if we were all going someone place today, that she and B would need more than 15 minutes notice to get ready. Pretty much we've given them 30-45 minutes prior notice, which they then take an hour to actually "change their pants".
Around noonish we finally get ready to head to the charity BBQ out in Western Maryland. We stop at Starbucks, we TOLD them we were going to stop at Starbucks because the drive out to the BBQ was a good hour, and we didn't want them to starve to death before we got there. You would think that if you were told you were going someplace that you've been to a lot, and that you are familiar with their menu and what they sell, that you would have a pretty good idea what you want before you get there, but no. To B and M, even though you've been to Starbucks regularly, it seems that each day is a whole new menu and whole new experience as they just can't seem to walk in without a conference, then some discussion, asking everybody in the place what they are having, then deciding to share something.
At each and every gas station we pass these past 6,000 days they've been here, M will look at the price of gas and say "Gas is 30 cents cheaper, we really should take some home with us". (in your purse with leftovers, I think in my head)
For anonymity sake I'm not going to say what organization this charity BBQ was being run by, but my hubby is a charter member of the National chapter of this organization, but I'm not a member, but the running gag is that Hubby keeps me down in a hole in our basement and lets me out once in a while. We've even done "proof of life" photos as a joke, so when we pull up to the farm and walk down to where the pig roast is, everyone is happily greeting hubby, remarking about how I must have either escaped the hole or hubby lowered the ladder, and then we'd turn an introduce B and M, pretty much as "and hubby's parents are here visiting with us" because when you are walking through groups of people, you don't go into much detail or else you'll never get to the actual event, you wait until you get where you're going and fill in the blanks then.
Apparently M was not happy, and now that I think back on it, it probably seemed like the "stuck me in a hole" running joke (that I happily encourage by the way) in M's eye was demeaning. You may recall that she has a bit of a feminazi side to her in that she does not like to be referred to as Mrs.
So, as we got to the main group of people and some of our closest friends and higher up organization members, the VP's wife gathered people around and introduced them as Hubby's mom and dad. M literally shrieked that her name was M and she didn't want to be called "hubby's mom". The VP's wife looked at her and said "excuse me?" and M shrieked it again. The VP's wife was like "ok" and looked at me, I rolled my eyes, and everyone pretty much quickly scattered, including me.
So Hubby, B, and I mingle, drink, eat some food, chat with people, and M is pretty much staying to herself because at this point, nobody wants to talk to her. I walk off to see a litter of puppies with a friend and member and she asks me about M, I simply tell her that she's a "piece of work" and she pretty much agrees. When I get back, Hubby and B have taken a walk up to see the puppies and there's M, sitting in the pool house by herself.
Hubby and I go get a plate of roast pig to share with B and M, but M insists that she go get her own plate and in a huff she goes and gets some food and eats it in the pool house by herself.
About this time a lot of people are leaving so of course we are forced to go console M and sit with her so she's not lonely. She does that. She makes a scene, pouts, and then you have to go to her and cheer her up... that's how she becomes the center of attention. We finally just say, screw it, and decide to leave because it's already an uncomfortable scene, so we decide to head home, let the dogs out and spend some time at the house and tell them we'll go someplace at 6pm to eat.
The moment we get in the house, M stomps off for the guestroom and pouts. Whatever, we go about our business and play and feed the dogs and watch some tv.
6pm rolls around and she's still in the guestroom. 6:30 rolls around and she comes out of the guestroom and starts asking if she needs to change. The reason we need to eat early is because if hubby eats late, then he has to stay up later because if he doesn't, his GERD will cause him to throw up in the middle of the night... so here it's rolling on 7pm and we finally get out of the house. By the time we get our food and eat, it's around 8pm and they want to stop for ice cream on the way home, which we do. Take note: M brought some turkey home with her, and most of her cup of ice cream. At least she put the turkey in the fridge (covered) and the ice cream in the freezer.
By the time we get home it's about 9pm, so we stay up and chit chat a bit, and honestly I'm feeling a bit nauseous as well at this point. We go to bed around 10pm, and sure enough, Hubby is up at the crack of dawn throwing up, I have a migraine and am now nauseous, and so begins day 4.
For the record: still no sight of the apples that are packed in the suitcase, but M did throw away two bananas she had in her purse.
Day 4: Seems like 57 10/22/2012
When we last left off, Hubby was puking his guts out through the night (either bad food, or eating too late), which left me to entertain M and B until he could recover somewhat.
I stayed downstairs most of the time in the guise of doing laundry, going upstairs once in a while to get coffee and say "hey, how's it going?" Big smile, running back downstairs.
At one point I went back upstairs and sat down with them both to initiate some "chit chat" and made the mistake of asking B if he got his Galaxy whatever pad working. He said he had it set up enough for now, then M laid into him saying that he'll never get it working right because of his lack of operator intelligence. She is just so freakin RUDE!
When B walked out to sit on the deck in the sun (who can blame him), M asked me if Hubby was ill because of work. Um. I sat there for a moment trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. She further elaborated that perhaps he was ill from the pressures of work. I wanted to say that the only pressures he was experiencing right now was not strangling her annoying self, but I explained again that he can't eat after a certain hour because of his GERD.
Around noon Hubby was feeling somewhat better, so we told them that we would go out and get something to eat, so they needed to get ready. Mind you, they had been sitting around for a good 4 hours, but now toddled off to "get ready". We are standing around after 20 minutes still waiting on them, they come out of the guest room and say "Oh, we were waiting on you guys". Yeah, we normally stand around our own house fully dressed and wearing coats.
On the drive there Hubby and I were talking about something, and M just interrupts with something totally not related to what we were talking about, so I respond to her with nothing but complete nonsensical half sentences. She nods her head seriously and agrees with me. I bite my lip so I don't laugh.
We go to TGI Fridays, get seated right away. Hubby asks what the soup of the day is. The waitress says tomato basil soup and lets us know that it's not a very good soup actually... so of course M orders it. We chit chat through the meal, M barely eats half of her soup, then leave to go to Starbucks.
While at Starbucks, Hubby asks M about the Starbucks card that he and his brother got for her about a year ago. They got her a card that would reload when it ran low that is paid by J's credit card. She announces in that squeaky annoying voice "Oh, I lost that card a few months ago". Then gets all defensive when Hubby tells her that it was connected to J's credit card. Hubby texts J to let him know to cancel the reload for that card.
We decide to go to the mall across the street to waste time. M walks down the middle of the parking lot and has to be pulled over to the side about 5 times so cars could drive through.
At the mall, as usual, they walk about 10 feet behind us. This has to be one of the most annoying things about them. They come to visit and spend time with us, but instead of walking with us and chatting about things... they walk behind us... all the time. If we slow down, they slow down. If we stop, they stop. If we get behind them (and it's like a contest, we try to get behind them), then they'll stop and circle behind us. We circle the mall and go back home to "rest" before our final going out for dinner thing. I hid downstairs again.
We herd them together again well before we were suppose to leave and finally leave "on time" for once and drive to the Cheesecake Factory. On the way there, Hubby was explaining an issue he was having with his Mac mail program. M interrupts with some babbling to try to be a part of the conversation, but has no idea what we're talking about, but includes an example to show she really knows what she's saying with: "... that's like Mrs. Bumbledebum saying she needs a widget, but Mr. Soandso saying he wants a blue widget." Seriously... that's what she said. We just stare straight ahead and drive.
At Cheesecake Factory we had about a 10 minute wait. While we're sitting in the waiting area, a family of little people come in. Both Hubby and I stiffen as we wait for M to blurt out the most inappropriate and probably denigrating thing she could possibly say, most likely something to do with the Wizard of Oz or something. Thankfully we were called to our table, so we rushed her to the table.
M decides to order their special salad, but she doesn't want half the stuff on the salad (making it pretty much a regular salad) and she wants the dressing on the side. We eat and talk about stuff, but I have no idea what we talked about because I was in a coma.
When it's time to order dessert, M hands the menu over to B and says that he should pick the dessert they will share. B picks one thing, M tells him "no, not that". B picks something else, M tells him "no, not that". Hubby texts me "OMG!!!" Finally, after about 6 wrong choices B picks the chocolate cheesecake, which apparently is what she wanted all along.
As we are eating dessert, M just blurts out: So, if you were in a room and had to get out, how would you get past the guy?"
Hubby and I just stare at her. WTF?
We pay and leave, walking around the outside of the mall, looking in the windows of LL Bean, meander back to the truck and go home. Thankfully they literally ran into the guestroom as they had to get up at 6am so they could catch their flight.
I stayed downstairs most of the time in the guise of doing laundry, going upstairs once in a while to get coffee and say "hey, how's it going?" Big smile, running back downstairs.
At one point I went back upstairs and sat down with them both to initiate some "chit chat" and made the mistake of asking B if he got his Galaxy whatever pad working. He said he had it set up enough for now, then M laid into him saying that he'll never get it working right because of his lack of operator intelligence. She is just so freakin RUDE!
When B walked out to sit on the deck in the sun (who can blame him), M asked me if Hubby was ill because of work. Um. I sat there for a moment trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. She further elaborated that perhaps he was ill from the pressures of work. I wanted to say that the only pressures he was experiencing right now was not strangling her annoying self, but I explained again that he can't eat after a certain hour because of his GERD.
Around noon Hubby was feeling somewhat better, so we told them that we would go out and get something to eat, so they needed to get ready. Mind you, they had been sitting around for a good 4 hours, but now toddled off to "get ready". We are standing around after 20 minutes still waiting on them, they come out of the guest room and say "Oh, we were waiting on you guys". Yeah, we normally stand around our own house fully dressed and wearing coats.
On the drive there Hubby and I were talking about something, and M just interrupts with something totally not related to what we were talking about, so I respond to her with nothing but complete nonsensical half sentences. She nods her head seriously and agrees with me. I bite my lip so I don't laugh.
We go to TGI Fridays, get seated right away. Hubby asks what the soup of the day is. The waitress says tomato basil soup and lets us know that it's not a very good soup actually... so of course M orders it. We chit chat through the meal, M barely eats half of her soup, then leave to go to Starbucks.
While at Starbucks, Hubby asks M about the Starbucks card that he and his brother got for her about a year ago. They got her a card that would reload when it ran low that is paid by J's credit card. She announces in that squeaky annoying voice "Oh, I lost that card a few months ago". Then gets all defensive when Hubby tells her that it was connected to J's credit card. Hubby texts J to let him know to cancel the reload for that card.
We decide to go to the mall across the street to waste time. M walks down the middle of the parking lot and has to be pulled over to the side about 5 times so cars could drive through.
At the mall, as usual, they walk about 10 feet behind us. This has to be one of the most annoying things about them. They come to visit and spend time with us, but instead of walking with us and chatting about things... they walk behind us... all the time. If we slow down, they slow down. If we stop, they stop. If we get behind them (and it's like a contest, we try to get behind them), then they'll stop and circle behind us. We circle the mall and go back home to "rest" before our final going out for dinner thing. I hid downstairs again.
We herd them together again well before we were suppose to leave and finally leave "on time" for once and drive to the Cheesecake Factory. On the way there, Hubby was explaining an issue he was having with his Mac mail program. M interrupts with some babbling to try to be a part of the conversation, but has no idea what we're talking about, but includes an example to show she really knows what she's saying with: "... that's like Mrs. Bumbledebum saying she needs a widget, but Mr. Soandso saying he wants a blue widget." Seriously... that's what she said. We just stare straight ahead and drive.
At Cheesecake Factory we had about a 10 minute wait. While we're sitting in the waiting area, a family of little people come in. Both Hubby and I stiffen as we wait for M to blurt out the most inappropriate and probably denigrating thing she could possibly say, most likely something to do with the Wizard of Oz or something. Thankfully we were called to our table, so we rushed her to the table.
M decides to order their special salad, but she doesn't want half the stuff on the salad (making it pretty much a regular salad) and she wants the dressing on the side. We eat and talk about stuff, but I have no idea what we talked about because I was in a coma.
When it's time to order dessert, M hands the menu over to B and says that he should pick the dessert they will share. B picks one thing, M tells him "no, not that". B picks something else, M tells him "no, not that". Hubby texts me "OMG!!!" Finally, after about 6 wrong choices B picks the chocolate cheesecake, which apparently is what she wanted all along.
As we are eating dessert, M just blurts out: So, if you were in a room and had to get out, how would you get past the guy?"
Hubby and I just stare at her. WTF?
We pay and leave, walking around the outside of the mall, looking in the windows of LL Bean, meander back to the truck and go home. Thankfully they literally ran into the guestroom as they had to get up at 6am so they could catch their flight.
The Departure 10/22/2012
B and M are pretty much ready at 6am, so I rush around getting the dogs out, fed, konged and then get dressed.
We drag the two huge suitcases to the truck and drive to the airport.
They check the bags and get their boarding passes, then go to Starbucks and get something to drink. We pretty much just sit there in silence because B is sad that he's leaving us, and M is ... who freakin knows.
We slowly walk to the security checkpoint and hug good bye, then watch them go through the line. The TSA guy was nice and let them cut to the first class security line which was much shorter, we wave and run to the car.
We get home, fully expecting to find a box or two of apples in the guestroom. Typically when they leave stuff, they just leave it in the guestroom as a "surprise"... hey SURPRISE if I don't go back in there for a week and find rotted apples. This time... nothing. No apples.
They hauled 4 huge boxes of apples, bragged about what a treat they would be for us, then didn't leave any. They are hauling 4 boxes of apples to Missouri that have been sitting in boxes for a week, then in a suitcase for a week to give to relatives there apparently.
Whatever.
Bliss returns to our home.
We drag the two huge suitcases to the truck and drive to the airport.
They check the bags and get their boarding passes, then go to Starbucks and get something to drink. We pretty much just sit there in silence because B is sad that he's leaving us, and M is ... who freakin knows.
We slowly walk to the security checkpoint and hug good bye, then watch them go through the line. The TSA guy was nice and let them cut to the first class security line which was much shorter, we wave and run to the car.
We get home, fully expecting to find a box or two of apples in the guestroom. Typically when they leave stuff, they just leave it in the guestroom as a "surprise"... hey SURPRISE if I don't go back in there for a week and find rotted apples. This time... nothing. No apples.
They hauled 4 huge boxes of apples, bragged about what a treat they would be for us, then didn't leave any. They are hauling 4 boxes of apples to Missouri that have been sitting in boxes for a week, then in a suitcase for a week to give to relatives there apparently.
Whatever.
Bliss returns to our home.
Where to EVEN Begin 10/29/2017
I know it's been a long time since we've updated the blog, but we had fallen into a "normal" routine.
Every year in September, hubby would either go out to the West Coast to visit his brother and B and M would drive out to visit with them, or J would come to our house and we'd vent about B and M and have lots of coffee and food.
Each year, hubby would return home and talk about how old his parents were getting, and how concerned he was at his father's fragile state. He'd try to discuss their health, but they would brush him off, say everything was fine, even though he'd also get the whole "this will be the last time we see you" death knell talk.
This year had been particularly crappy for us. On top of some dental health issues, one of our dogs passed in April, and our remaining dog was having significant health issues and we knew that he would be passing soon. Hubby explained to his parents that he would not be going out to the West Coast for the annual visit because he couldn't risk going out there and having something happen to our last dog while he was gone.
Of course they didn't believe him. They thought it was an elaborate plan to keep them from diving to J's house to visit. They believed "they weren't wanted around any more" and we were lying to them to keep them from coming out to visit. Whatever.
We had heard (after the fact, of course) through phone calls to them every week, that B was having health issues and had been in and out of hospitals. At one point, they DROVE to California where B had some sort of health scare and was admitted to a hospital and once he was discharged, they DROVE back home despite all of our offers to fly there and drive them, or make arrangements for other transportation for them.
In October our last dog passed peacefully in our arms. The day before he passed we learned (third hand) that B was having some pretty serious heart problems and pain from his hip. It was so significant that we dug up their wills and found that we only had a draft copy of M's will... nobody had a copy of B's will.
B had been talking to Jack behind M's back and kept telling him that B had a file on his phone for "the boys", and that it contained very important information that the boys would need if something were to happen to him. J explained that it would be important for him to GIVE HIM that information now so they would know what to do... but B wouldn't give it to him, just kept telling him how important it was.
Additionally, B had told both of them that he had drafted a new will and it was important that they both be there for the reading because it had very important information about their mother and what they needed to do to take care of her if anything happened to him... except he wouldn't give us a copy and it turns out that he hadn't signed it yet. J and his wife nagged him to get it signed. Even said they would get the lawyer to come out to witness and get his signature notarized if they couldn't make it to the lawyer's office.
That never happened.
Early morning 29 October 2017 our home phone rang. We never answer that phone, but when the answering machine kicked on and it was B and M's neighbor calling to tell us that B was taken by ambulance to the hospital and it didn't look good, we immediately called him back.
He told us during that call that:
Every year in September, hubby would either go out to the West Coast to visit his brother and B and M would drive out to visit with them, or J would come to our house and we'd vent about B and M and have lots of coffee and food.
Each year, hubby would return home and talk about how old his parents were getting, and how concerned he was at his father's fragile state. He'd try to discuss their health, but they would brush him off, say everything was fine, even though he'd also get the whole "this will be the last time we see you" death knell talk.
This year had been particularly crappy for us. On top of some dental health issues, one of our dogs passed in April, and our remaining dog was having significant health issues and we knew that he would be passing soon. Hubby explained to his parents that he would not be going out to the West Coast for the annual visit because he couldn't risk going out there and having something happen to our last dog while he was gone.
Of course they didn't believe him. They thought it was an elaborate plan to keep them from diving to J's house to visit. They believed "they weren't wanted around any more" and we were lying to them to keep them from coming out to visit. Whatever.
We had heard (after the fact, of course) through phone calls to them every week, that B was having health issues and had been in and out of hospitals. At one point, they DROVE to California where B had some sort of health scare and was admitted to a hospital and once he was discharged, they DROVE back home despite all of our offers to fly there and drive them, or make arrangements for other transportation for them.
In October our last dog passed peacefully in our arms. The day before he passed we learned (third hand) that B was having some pretty serious heart problems and pain from his hip. It was so significant that we dug up their wills and found that we only had a draft copy of M's will... nobody had a copy of B's will.
B had been talking to Jack behind M's back and kept telling him that B had a file on his phone for "the boys", and that it contained very important information that the boys would need if something were to happen to him. J explained that it would be important for him to GIVE HIM that information now so they would know what to do... but B wouldn't give it to him, just kept telling him how important it was.
Additionally, B had told both of them that he had drafted a new will and it was important that they both be there for the reading because it had very important information about their mother and what they needed to do to take care of her if anything happened to him... except he wouldn't give us a copy and it turns out that he hadn't signed it yet. J and his wife nagged him to get it signed. Even said they would get the lawyer to come out to witness and get his signature notarized if they couldn't make it to the lawyer's office.
That never happened.
29 October 2017
Early morning 29 October 2017 our home phone rang. We never answer that phone, but when the answering machine kicked on and it was B and M's neighbor calling to tell us that B was taken by ambulance to the hospital and it didn't look good, we immediately called him back.
He told us during that call that:
- B couldn't breathe, the ambulance arrived, he coded in the ambulance and they got him back.
- B coded in the Emergency Room, the doctors were about to declare him dead, but he came back.
We learned later that this is actually what happened. Had we heard it from M, we would have dismissed it as her being dramatic and delusional, but the neighbors told us, as they were in the room when it happened, and they aren't the types to be dramatic or delusional:
B's heart stopped. The doctors and nurses tried to revive him, to no avail. They told M and the neighbors that he was gone.
They all join hands and say a prayer.
M leans over and whispers something in B's ear.
B opens his eyes and yells "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID M".
The neighbors, doctors, and nurses all crap their pants.
M starts to argue with him.
Not "OHMYGAWD he's alive it's a miracle", no happiness, no shock, no nothing... she argues with a guy that just came back from the dead.
The doctors and nurses scurry and get him stabilized and moved into ICU.
J and BA scurry to get friends to stay with their pets and get the house ready so they can drive the 4 hours to the hospital to assess the situation (because anything coming from M is just a mish mash of insanity), and the neighbors are telling them that they should really get out there. They have their own parent health issues to deal with and need to leave and they don't think M is coherent enough to deal with this alone.
B's heart stopped. The doctors and nurses tried to revive him, to no avail. They told M and the neighbors that he was gone.
They all join hands and say a prayer.
M leans over and whispers something in B's ear.
B opens his eyes and yells "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID M".
The neighbors, doctors, and nurses all crap their pants.
M starts to argue with him.
Not "OHMYGAWD he's alive it's a miracle", no happiness, no shock, no nothing... she argues with a guy that just came back from the dead.
The doctors and nurses scurry and get him stabilized and moved into ICU.
J and BA scurry to get friends to stay with their pets and get the house ready so they can drive the 4 hours to the hospital to assess the situation (because anything coming from M is just a mish mash of insanity), and the neighbors are telling them that they should really get out there. They have their own parent health issues to deal with and need to leave and they don't think M is coherent enough to deal with this alone.
31 October 2017
J and BA make it to the hospital to find out what is really going on. It turns out that the doctors believe that B's days are numbered, so they are moving him to the local Hospice House.
We start scrambling to move some money around and make flight reservations for Friday 3 November 2017, for G so he can go out there, see his father, and fly back on Monday. We are told that it may be 6 months, it may be next week when he passes, they just don't know. We make financial arrangement so that if this is a longer process, we'll have liquid cash available to make multiple trips, and ensure that we are there to help M with the loss and ensure her financials are taken care of (same thing we did when my dad passed).
J and BA go to B and M's house to check on their mother... and she refuses to let them in the house. Despite the fact that they live in a HUGE house with plenty of bedrooms, she doesn't want anyone staying there, so they get a hotel room. They also don't know what the inside of the house looks like or what is going on and why she won't let them in the house. J and BA are trying to deal with the paperwork for the Hospice House and can't get access to the things they need in the house. J finally convinces M to let him in the house, but follows him around everywhere and demands that he doesn't take anything.
Additionally, the staff at the Hospice House realizes that M isn't all there and tell J and BA that she is NOT allowed on their property unless she is escorted by someone. They tell J and BA that M told the nurses that she knows that B is faking all of this, that he's perfectly fine and she's mad at him for putting on this whole act. She keeps asking them when he can go home.
Recap: husband is dying in Hospice. Hospice calls and says you need to come, this may be it. She leaves, goes back home, goes to bed, doesn't bother to call anyone.
Running joke: Apparently M navigates by the stars and a sextant when she drives.
J, BA, and M go to the funeral home to start making arrangements. Apparently B had already made and paid for his final arrangements, but that doesn't stop M from trying to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want an obituary or any announcement of any kind. NOTHING. She doesn't want anyone called or notified. J and BA ask if any of the family was notified. NOPE. Nor was M going to call them. Seriously? So, he's dying, nobody knows, so nobody can go and see him and get closure except the immediate family?
B wanted to be cremated and his golfing buddies had talked about sprinkling some of his ashes at B's beloved golf course. He mentioned being sprinkled in one of the holes on the course and they would joke that the wind would blow him out of bounds.
NOPE! M would have none of that. As a matter of fact, she wanted a cheaper urn, she wanted barely any money spent on him at all.
Their church pastor is a really nice guy and he suggested that they have a nice luncheon and then a celebration of his life service. M begrudgingly agrees to this. When I was told this, I thought "well, who the hell is going to show up because nobody knows he's passed"
A few hours later B passes away.
We start scrambling to move some money around and make flight reservations for Friday 3 November 2017, for G so he can go out there, see his father, and fly back on Monday. We are told that it may be 6 months, it may be next week when he passes, they just don't know. We make financial arrangement so that if this is a longer process, we'll have liquid cash available to make multiple trips, and ensure that we are there to help M with the loss and ensure her financials are taken care of (same thing we did when my dad passed).
J and BA go to B and M's house to check on their mother... and she refuses to let them in the house. Despite the fact that they live in a HUGE house with plenty of bedrooms, she doesn't want anyone staying there, so they get a hotel room. They also don't know what the inside of the house looks like or what is going on and why she won't let them in the house. J and BA are trying to deal with the paperwork for the Hospice House and can't get access to the things they need in the house. J finally convinces M to let him in the house, but follows him around everywhere and demands that he doesn't take anything.
Additionally, the staff at the Hospice House realizes that M isn't all there and tell J and BA that she is NOT allowed on their property unless she is escorted by someone. They tell J and BA that M told the nurses that she knows that B is faking all of this, that he's perfectly fine and she's mad at him for putting on this whole act. She keeps asking them when he can go home.
2 November 2017
B has problems and the staff call M to tell her to come in. They try to call J, but there's an issue with the phone lines out there. When they finally get ahold of J and BA, they come out immediately, but M doesn't show up. The staff become concerned and put out a Silver Alert for her when all efforts to call and locate her go unanswered. B gets stabilized, but M is still nowhere to be found... until the Police contact her and find that she's at home. She left, got lost, returned home and went to bed. She says that it was overcast out and she couldn't navigate, so she just went back home.Recap: husband is dying in Hospice. Hospice calls and says you need to come, this may be it. She leaves, goes back home, goes to bed, doesn't bother to call anyone.
Running joke: Apparently M navigates by the stars and a sextant when she drives.
J, BA, and M go to the funeral home to start making arrangements. Apparently B had already made and paid for his final arrangements, but that doesn't stop M from trying to do whatever she wants. She doesn't want an obituary or any announcement of any kind. NOTHING. She doesn't want anyone called or notified. J and BA ask if any of the family was notified. NOPE. Nor was M going to call them. Seriously? So, he's dying, nobody knows, so nobody can go and see him and get closure except the immediate family?
B wanted to be cremated and his golfing buddies had talked about sprinkling some of his ashes at B's beloved golf course. He mentioned being sprinkled in one of the holes on the course and they would joke that the wind would blow him out of bounds.
NOPE! M would have none of that. As a matter of fact, she wanted a cheaper urn, she wanted barely any money spent on him at all.
Their church pastor is a really nice guy and he suggested that they have a nice luncheon and then a celebration of his life service. M begrudgingly agrees to this. When I was told this, I thought "well, who the hell is going to show up because nobody knows he's passed"
3 November 2017
G flies out, arrives pretty late, but they all go to the Hospice House together and see B who is heavily sedated and probably only nominally aware that G has arrived. They spend some time there and then leave to catch some sleep.A few hours later B passes away.
4 November 2017
I rush around to get flights out West.
M wants to sit with him and refuses to leave. They finally get her to leave.
M gets stuck in loops and obsesses with finding his wallet. She is convinced that someone has stolen his wallet and starts calling the Hospital and the Hospice House, even though J, BA, and G say that they will stop by each place to ask. She calls the hospital and Hospice house so many times that they ask J, BA, and G to try to get them to stop her from calling because their staff has more important things to do (and they do, seriously, they really do).
Turns out... she had his wallet in her purse. Then she fixates on finding his clothes (they are already at her house), then she fixates and some other stupid thing.
My flight was delayed a few hours and around 11pm West Coast time, I arrive at the Shit Show.
Day 1 for Me 11/6/2017
We all were staying at the local Holiday Inn Express (making us experts in all manner of things) and had very nice rooms. Thankfully there was a Keurig coffee maker in there because morning came early.
After a very long trip and sleeping in a strange bed, I wasn't extremely coherent, but after a hot shower (and for ONCE a hotel had a shower head that blasted hot water instead of dribbling a weak stream), hubby and I went up to partake of the free breakfast and wait for J and BA to wake up and stumble to the lobby.
Tasty breakfast! Cinnamon rolls, fresh pancakes from a machine (that we threatened to steal), juices, cereals, yogurt varieties, toast and bread varieties, scrambled eggs, bacon, the works and lots and lots of coffee. Very pleasant seating area just past the lobby. The lobby had a fireplace and comfy seating.
We all plotted the day; getting M out of the house and to the church with the pictures she selected to display at the service on Tuesday, and get her something to eat. We were also invited out to a relatives house for a baked potato dinner with other family members. We didn't want to push M into doing a lot of things, as she was probably overwhelmed already, but she had already made it clear that she was an adult, could take care of herself, and that she didn't want anyone helping her with the financial things like social security, other benefits, and didn't want anyone at the reading of the will.
The will part was troublesome for everyone. We all knew that B wrote a new will and there had been some push back on him actually signing it. Nobody had copies of his old or new will, so we didn't have a clue what any of them said. B had told J that it was important they be there for the will reading, because the new will contained information they needed to know about. When asked about the will reading, M literally screamed at the boys that she would handle it alone and that she had already made an appointment for Friday (after we all left town). We put in a call to the lawyer's office and explained the situation, and that we would like to schedule a reading of the will for the boys if they were named in the will. The office said they would have the lawyer call them.
Whenever one or the other son asked about the finances, M would go nuts and scream at them. "I'm not a child, I can handle all of this myself, I don't need your help, I'm perfectly capable of handling all of this, we have plenty of money, I was an accountant and can handle my own finances, don't your dare get into my business".
Since I hadn't been there for all of this, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and chalking down some of the behavior to just losing her husband of a zillion years, but also knowing her mental state, figure it's a combination of the two that makes it seem more crazy than normal.
We gird our loins and all pile into the rental SUV and drive to M's house. We knock on the door, but no answer. J calls her and says that we're at the door. She opens the garage door (which she prefers to use, whatever) and go inside.
We go inside and she's frantic because she can't balance one of their retirement accounts. No "hi", no "hey P, I'm so glad you could make it", no nothing. Whatever. It takes her a few minutes to realize that I'm there and then she gives me a hug.
Because she hadn't let them in the house without following them, we split into teams. J and BA would "help" her with the retirement reconciliation thing (and get a peek at her finances to make sure she would be ok financially) while G and I scour the house. We all had visions of rooms that resembled scenes out of hoarders or something that she may have been trying to hide. On the contrary, and much to our relief and somewhat horror, the house was incredibly clean for two people that kept everything that came into their hands. Too clean. It dawned on us that it was mostly all of her stuff, B's stuff (photography, cameras, golf things, etc.) were gone. There was a shredder set up at the kitchen table. She was busily purging B's things.
I want to be clear, it wasn't like we pulled up in a moving van to clean out the house and leave her with nothing. We all went there with the one purpose of helping her make sure she was financially, mentally, and physically sound to keep living in the house and have the means to live comfortably. When we saw that she had been actively purging everything of B's (and not to be ghoulish, but she started purging even before the body was cold), we decided that we needed to see if we could get those mementos that meant something to the boys before she destroyed them.
We also knew that B kept a weapon and our mission was to locate it and unload it and figure out how to get it out of the house. In her state of mind, we didn't want her to stumble upon it and something horrible happen. We went through everything and couldn't find it. We have no idea what became of it and can only think that she threw it away.
Before I arrived, they caught M flushing all sorts of really heavy narcotics and other drugs by the bag full down the toilet. They were like "um, you can't do that!" Her response: "yes I can, and I've been doing it every day". Um... great, way to poison the drinking water in your city M. Later we would joke that when we needed something to calm down we were going to go drink out of her toilet.
We were also searching for B's DD214, his service discharge record. B would be eligible for a burial flag and military benefits would go to M. M didn't care. She said she didn't want the flag (until G mentioned that he would like it) and even said she didn't want any money coming from veteran benefits. She said she just couldn't be bothered with that. We never found the DD214, but did find some of his military records that we hope we can use to get his burial flag behind her back.
Once the account had been easily reconciled, M started wandering around and asking the boys what things they wanted. G and J wanted to walk around the house and ask her the significance of various autographed pictures, the really large collection of salt and pepper shakers (some looked very old) that B collected and had been handed down in his family, and various things that had memories for the boys.
Every time one of them expressed an interest in something insignificant, but holding a lot of fond memories, M would say "put your name on it and I'll consider giving it to you", or "Put your name on it and you can have it when I'm dead". J pointed out the salt and pepper shakers, and M frowned and said "oh that stuff, I'm just going to throw those out so you can have those". J said, Ok, but then M said "Well, you can't have them now, put your name on it and you can have them when I'm dead."
G found a set of Pendleton blankets and expressed interest in those. M had no idea they even existed and said they were ugly, but once again said "You can't have those, you have to wait for me to die first". Everything, from the mundane, to the downright inconsequential, no matter what it was, she refused to let them take anything. It was all "HERS" and she wouldn't part with it. You know what... it is hers (unless the will said differently), but come on... a blanket you had no idea you had and didn't even like.
G mentioned that he'd like all of B's photographs (what was left of them). B had been shipping boxes and boxes of photos, slides, and negatives to us because he caught M throwing them away. M couldn't grasp what he meant by "all". As they walked around the house trying to decipher what things had family significance, M would find a photograph and say "what about this photo?".
G: Yes, all photographs.
M: Even this one?
G: Yes, ALL photographs
M: Well, you can't mean this one
G: ALL
M: You don't want this one though, right?
All of B's remaining photography was gone. B took photos of everything, literally EVERYTHING, and there was very little left. The file cabinet where he had stored photos all organized was empty. We figured out that the only pictures left were ones with M in them. We did stumble upon an old foot locker in the closet of a spare bedroom and inside were two photo albums of B's years in the U.S. Air Force. We grabbed them and put them under my coat in the living room and snuck them to the rental truck first chance with some of us blocking her with questions while the other ran out with them. We felt horrible about doing that, but she was actively shredded and throwing away everything of B's and we knew that if she ever found these albums, she would destroy them.
M did bring us photos that she didn't want, typically photos of ourselves on one of the many family trips. Everything else was off limits. If she handed you something (that she had carefully labeled with a sticky note) and said we could have it, we learned to quickly hide it, because 5 minutes later she would snatch it back and say "You can't take that".
There was only one other thing that hubby wanted in that whole house and it was the train set that he and his father had built together and had fun playing with. When they moved from their first house, it was never allowed in the new house and was boxed up and located (at least it was last seen) in the garage in the upper storage platform. There was just no easy way for anyone to get up there, and we still didn't know the whole will situation. Anything we took out of the house could be conceived by M as stealing, and we had no doubt that in her mental condition (since she already accused us of trying to steal from her) she would call the police on us. She barely let us in the house and only because we were there to help HER, but any time we brought up B, she would get angry and stomp off and would get angry if we actually tried to help or give her any advice. We pretty much had no idea what would set her off on a screaming tirade, accusation, or shut down pouting fit.
It was getting around noon and she hadn't eaten (as far as we knew). Relatives had delivered a big turkey wrap platter to her, which she simply brought inside and put on the dryer. We have no idea how long it sat on the dryer before we discovered it and put it in the fridge. The group ate some before I arrived and they felt somewhat sick afterwards, but she wouldn't let us throw it out. She kept offering it to us for lunch but we suggested we take her out for a nice meal instead. Thankfully she agreed.
Once it was decided we'd go to lunch, she had to get ready, which included running around the house gathering things, asking us the same questions over and over again, losing her purse, finding her purse, losing her purse, finding it, getting a coat, then saying she needed to go get her coat that she was already wearing and an hour later we actually made it out of the house.
We opted to go to Jimmy Johns for sandwiches. She got mad that I insisted that we pay for everyone's food and refused to talk much during the meal. She took the bread off her sandwich and ate only a small portion of the turkey and had trouble swallowing it. She wrapped the turkey into a napkin and it got thrown away with the rest of the trash by accident... except she accused us of stealing her food. Throughout the meal she kept asking us what day it was, and when we were all leaving. We dutifully responded each time. I lost count.
We had to go back to the house to pick up the pictures that she had forgotten to bring with us to take to the church. That took about a half hour (most of us stayed in the truck because good lord), and finally we were on the way to the church. We dropped off the photos and went over the lunch and services schedule. Her pastor was very nice, understanding. J and G took him aside and explained what was going on when BA and I steered M away from the conversation.
The next stop was to a jewelers to have B's ring sized for her finger. She went inside with J while the rest of us stayed outside. Suddenly M came running out frantically. She had lost her wallet. Oh geez. I grabbed her purse and started looking through it, no wallet (but B's wallet was in a compartment, and she had a checkbook stuffed with money... lovely). We had only been at the house, and Jimmy Johns, so we got in the truck to trace our steps. I wasn't concerned because she had been doing finances at the house, and most likely left it in their office.
She literally jumped out of the truck before it was parked at Jimmy Johns and ran inside, J followed. They didn't have it. She was convinced they did and had stolen it. We dragged her back into the truck and drove back to her house. She ran inside and frantically searched the house. I calmly walk inside and go to the office, lift off some papers and get the wallet and hand it to her. She hugged me and started crying. That was the first honest sign of emotion she expressed that entire visit. I explained about 14 times that it would help if she created lists of things to remember before leaving the house. She said she didn't need lists. Ok.
She wanted us to leave, so we did (gladly) and went back to the hotel after stopping for lattes (of course). We met back up at the lobby and sat in front of the fire and vented until it was time to pick her back up and take her to a relative's house for dinner. BA wasn't feeling well and stayed at the hotel (and honestly, I wish I had thought of that excuse).
We called M and went inside to help her get ready. She made a big deal of saying that she didn't need a list, she could remember everything before she left. She demonstrated by pulling her wallet and gloves out of her purse and saying "see, I have my wallet and gloves", then she sat them on the counter, picked up her purse and started walking away. "Um, M... you'll need your wallet and gloves". She got all snippy, said she knew they were there, didn't need reminding, she was an adult... then left her keys on the counter and walked away. OFFS.
On the drive to the house, she started talking about being alone in the house and nobody there and got emotional. She grabbed my hand and held it. I felt sorry for her. She held my hand for about 5 minutes, then looked down and snatched her hand away and said to me curtly "I don't need you to hold my hand, I'm an adult, I can handle these things" Okey dokey.
M was fine at the dinner. The relatives were wonderful people, great sense of humor, we chatted about family things and B. M moped when the conversation wasn't about her and wandered off in the house, but for the most part she acted like a normal person. Before dinner they said a prayer and then asked J to give a toast, which he did. M then spoke up and said she wanted to give a toast, which consisted of her saying that she shared HER house, HER life, and HER bed with B, and YELLED AT HIM (screaming) when he was frustrating, and she'll miss him. She recalled a time when they were both going to something for school and that her parents paid her way, but Bob's family was too poor, so he had to work in the family store to get the money to go. We all kind of just stood there for a moment and then clinked glasses.
We had a nice dinner, talked about things, caught up on family stories and as it was getting late, M announced she wanted to go home. We drove home in silence pretty much and dropped her off. We asked if she wanted us to come in for a moment to make sure she was fine. NOOOOOO. Ok, we waited for her to get in the house and close the garage door and left.
Back to the hotel lobby for more venting.
After a very long trip and sleeping in a strange bed, I wasn't extremely coherent, but after a hot shower (and for ONCE a hotel had a shower head that blasted hot water instead of dribbling a weak stream), hubby and I went up to partake of the free breakfast and wait for J and BA to wake up and stumble to the lobby.
Tasty breakfast! Cinnamon rolls, fresh pancakes from a machine (that we threatened to steal), juices, cereals, yogurt varieties, toast and bread varieties, scrambled eggs, bacon, the works and lots and lots of coffee. Very pleasant seating area just past the lobby. The lobby had a fireplace and comfy seating.
We all plotted the day; getting M out of the house and to the church with the pictures she selected to display at the service on Tuesday, and get her something to eat. We were also invited out to a relatives house for a baked potato dinner with other family members. We didn't want to push M into doing a lot of things, as she was probably overwhelmed already, but she had already made it clear that she was an adult, could take care of herself, and that she didn't want anyone helping her with the financial things like social security, other benefits, and didn't want anyone at the reading of the will.
The will part was troublesome for everyone. We all knew that B wrote a new will and there had been some push back on him actually signing it. Nobody had copies of his old or new will, so we didn't have a clue what any of them said. B had told J that it was important they be there for the will reading, because the new will contained information they needed to know about. When asked about the will reading, M literally screamed at the boys that she would handle it alone and that she had already made an appointment for Friday (after we all left town). We put in a call to the lawyer's office and explained the situation, and that we would like to schedule a reading of the will for the boys if they were named in the will. The office said they would have the lawyer call them.
Whenever one or the other son asked about the finances, M would go nuts and scream at them. "I'm not a child, I can handle all of this myself, I don't need your help, I'm perfectly capable of handling all of this, we have plenty of money, I was an accountant and can handle my own finances, don't your dare get into my business".
Since I hadn't been there for all of this, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and chalking down some of the behavior to just losing her husband of a zillion years, but also knowing her mental state, figure it's a combination of the two that makes it seem more crazy than normal.
We gird our loins and all pile into the rental SUV and drive to M's house. We knock on the door, but no answer. J calls her and says that we're at the door. She opens the garage door (which she prefers to use, whatever) and go inside.
We go inside and she's frantic because she can't balance one of their retirement accounts. No "hi", no "hey P, I'm so glad you could make it", no nothing. Whatever. It takes her a few minutes to realize that I'm there and then she gives me a hug.
Because she hadn't let them in the house without following them, we split into teams. J and BA would "help" her with the retirement reconciliation thing (and get a peek at her finances to make sure she would be ok financially) while G and I scour the house. We all had visions of rooms that resembled scenes out of hoarders or something that she may have been trying to hide. On the contrary, and much to our relief and somewhat horror, the house was incredibly clean for two people that kept everything that came into their hands. Too clean. It dawned on us that it was mostly all of her stuff, B's stuff (photography, cameras, golf things, etc.) were gone. There was a shredder set up at the kitchen table. She was busily purging B's things.
I want to be clear, it wasn't like we pulled up in a moving van to clean out the house and leave her with nothing. We all went there with the one purpose of helping her make sure she was financially, mentally, and physically sound to keep living in the house and have the means to live comfortably. When we saw that she had been actively purging everything of B's (and not to be ghoulish, but she started purging even before the body was cold), we decided that we needed to see if we could get those mementos that meant something to the boys before she destroyed them.
We also knew that B kept a weapon and our mission was to locate it and unload it and figure out how to get it out of the house. In her state of mind, we didn't want her to stumble upon it and something horrible happen. We went through everything and couldn't find it. We have no idea what became of it and can only think that she threw it away.
Before I arrived, they caught M flushing all sorts of really heavy narcotics and other drugs by the bag full down the toilet. They were like "um, you can't do that!" Her response: "yes I can, and I've been doing it every day". Um... great, way to poison the drinking water in your city M. Later we would joke that when we needed something to calm down we were going to go drink out of her toilet.
We were also searching for B's DD214, his service discharge record. B would be eligible for a burial flag and military benefits would go to M. M didn't care. She said she didn't want the flag (until G mentioned that he would like it) and even said she didn't want any money coming from veteran benefits. She said she just couldn't be bothered with that. We never found the DD214, but did find some of his military records that we hope we can use to get his burial flag behind her back.
Once the account had been easily reconciled, M started wandering around and asking the boys what things they wanted. G and J wanted to walk around the house and ask her the significance of various autographed pictures, the really large collection of salt and pepper shakers (some looked very old) that B collected and had been handed down in his family, and various things that had memories for the boys.
Every time one of them expressed an interest in something insignificant, but holding a lot of fond memories, M would say "put your name on it and I'll consider giving it to you", or "Put your name on it and you can have it when I'm dead". J pointed out the salt and pepper shakers, and M frowned and said "oh that stuff, I'm just going to throw those out so you can have those". J said, Ok, but then M said "Well, you can't have them now, put your name on it and you can have them when I'm dead."
G found a set of Pendleton blankets and expressed interest in those. M had no idea they even existed and said they were ugly, but once again said "You can't have those, you have to wait for me to die first". Everything, from the mundane, to the downright inconsequential, no matter what it was, she refused to let them take anything. It was all "HERS" and she wouldn't part with it. You know what... it is hers (unless the will said differently), but come on... a blanket you had no idea you had and didn't even like.
G mentioned that he'd like all of B's photographs (what was left of them). B had been shipping boxes and boxes of photos, slides, and negatives to us because he caught M throwing them away. M couldn't grasp what he meant by "all". As they walked around the house trying to decipher what things had family significance, M would find a photograph and say "what about this photo?".
G: Yes, all photographs.
M: Even this one?
G: Yes, ALL photographs
M: Well, you can't mean this one
G: ALL
M: You don't want this one though, right?
All of B's remaining photography was gone. B took photos of everything, literally EVERYTHING, and there was very little left. The file cabinet where he had stored photos all organized was empty. We figured out that the only pictures left were ones with M in them. We did stumble upon an old foot locker in the closet of a spare bedroom and inside were two photo albums of B's years in the U.S. Air Force. We grabbed them and put them under my coat in the living room and snuck them to the rental truck first chance with some of us blocking her with questions while the other ran out with them. We felt horrible about doing that, but she was actively shredded and throwing away everything of B's and we knew that if she ever found these albums, she would destroy them.
M did bring us photos that she didn't want, typically photos of ourselves on one of the many family trips. Everything else was off limits. If she handed you something (that she had carefully labeled with a sticky note) and said we could have it, we learned to quickly hide it, because 5 minutes later she would snatch it back and say "You can't take that".
There was only one other thing that hubby wanted in that whole house and it was the train set that he and his father had built together and had fun playing with. When they moved from their first house, it was never allowed in the new house and was boxed up and located (at least it was last seen) in the garage in the upper storage platform. There was just no easy way for anyone to get up there, and we still didn't know the whole will situation. Anything we took out of the house could be conceived by M as stealing, and we had no doubt that in her mental condition (since she already accused us of trying to steal from her) she would call the police on us. She barely let us in the house and only because we were there to help HER, but any time we brought up B, she would get angry and stomp off and would get angry if we actually tried to help or give her any advice. We pretty much had no idea what would set her off on a screaming tirade, accusation, or shut down pouting fit.
It was getting around noon and she hadn't eaten (as far as we knew). Relatives had delivered a big turkey wrap platter to her, which she simply brought inside and put on the dryer. We have no idea how long it sat on the dryer before we discovered it and put it in the fridge. The group ate some before I arrived and they felt somewhat sick afterwards, but she wouldn't let us throw it out. She kept offering it to us for lunch but we suggested we take her out for a nice meal instead. Thankfully she agreed.
Once it was decided we'd go to lunch, she had to get ready, which included running around the house gathering things, asking us the same questions over and over again, losing her purse, finding her purse, losing her purse, finding it, getting a coat, then saying she needed to go get her coat that she was already wearing and an hour later we actually made it out of the house.
We opted to go to Jimmy Johns for sandwiches. She got mad that I insisted that we pay for everyone's food and refused to talk much during the meal. She took the bread off her sandwich and ate only a small portion of the turkey and had trouble swallowing it. She wrapped the turkey into a napkin and it got thrown away with the rest of the trash by accident... except she accused us of stealing her food. Throughout the meal she kept asking us what day it was, and when we were all leaving. We dutifully responded each time. I lost count.
We had to go back to the house to pick up the pictures that she had forgotten to bring with us to take to the church. That took about a half hour (most of us stayed in the truck because good lord), and finally we were on the way to the church. We dropped off the photos and went over the lunch and services schedule. Her pastor was very nice, understanding. J and G took him aside and explained what was going on when BA and I steered M away from the conversation.
The next stop was to a jewelers to have B's ring sized for her finger. She went inside with J while the rest of us stayed outside. Suddenly M came running out frantically. She had lost her wallet. Oh geez. I grabbed her purse and started looking through it, no wallet (but B's wallet was in a compartment, and she had a checkbook stuffed with money... lovely). We had only been at the house, and Jimmy Johns, so we got in the truck to trace our steps. I wasn't concerned because she had been doing finances at the house, and most likely left it in their office.
She literally jumped out of the truck before it was parked at Jimmy Johns and ran inside, J followed. They didn't have it. She was convinced they did and had stolen it. We dragged her back into the truck and drove back to her house. She ran inside and frantically searched the house. I calmly walk inside and go to the office, lift off some papers and get the wallet and hand it to her. She hugged me and started crying. That was the first honest sign of emotion she expressed that entire visit. I explained about 14 times that it would help if she created lists of things to remember before leaving the house. She said she didn't need lists. Ok.
She wanted us to leave, so we did (gladly) and went back to the hotel after stopping for lattes (of course). We met back up at the lobby and sat in front of the fire and vented until it was time to pick her back up and take her to a relative's house for dinner. BA wasn't feeling well and stayed at the hotel (and honestly, I wish I had thought of that excuse).
We called M and went inside to help her get ready. She made a big deal of saying that she didn't need a list, she could remember everything before she left. She demonstrated by pulling her wallet and gloves out of her purse and saying "see, I have my wallet and gloves", then she sat them on the counter, picked up her purse and started walking away. "Um, M... you'll need your wallet and gloves". She got all snippy, said she knew they were there, didn't need reminding, she was an adult... then left her keys on the counter and walked away. OFFS.
On the drive to the house, she started talking about being alone in the house and nobody there and got emotional. She grabbed my hand and held it. I felt sorry for her. She held my hand for about 5 minutes, then looked down and snatched her hand away and said to me curtly "I don't need you to hold my hand, I'm an adult, I can handle these things" Okey dokey.
M was fine at the dinner. The relatives were wonderful people, great sense of humor, we chatted about family things and B. M moped when the conversation wasn't about her and wandered off in the house, but for the most part she acted like a normal person. Before dinner they said a prayer and then asked J to give a toast, which he did. M then spoke up and said she wanted to give a toast, which consisted of her saying that she shared HER house, HER life, and HER bed with B, and YELLED AT HIM (screaming) when he was frustrating, and she'll miss him. She recalled a time when they were both going to something for school and that her parents paid her way, but Bob's family was too poor, so he had to work in the family store to get the money to go. We all kind of just stood there for a moment and then clinked glasses.
We had a nice dinner, talked about things, caught up on family stories and as it was getting late, M announced she wanted to go home. We drove home in silence pretty much and dropped her off. We asked if she wanted us to come in for a moment to make sure she was fine. NOOOOOO. Ok, we waited for her to get in the house and close the garage door and left.
Back to the hotel lobby for more venting.
Day 2 11/7/2017
Up bright and early, showered and went to the lobby for the free breakfast.
J joined us, BA wanted to sleep in for a bit, so we decided to go get donuts at a small mom and pop donut shop that had been in business for several generations (tasty), then drive around so the boys could reminisce. It was very relaxing and fun listening to their childhood stories and seeing houses that their friends lived in. They passed by their first house and marveled at the fact that the extension on the back was still standing, as J and B had built it one summer. They were pretty tickled about seeing everything again, the good memories.
We got back to the hotel around 0930 to pick up BA and then drove to M's house because we had received her permission to download B's scanned photographs from his hard drive. They mirrored the entire drive onto two external hard drives to go over later when we got home.
We couldn't help but notice that the turkey wrap sandwiches were sitting on the kitchen counter. No idea how long they were sitting there, along with a platter of cookies (that were rock hard) and some tangerines in a bowl. Despite being told that the church would provide plenty of food, M wanted to take all of that stuff to "get rid of it", and had a container of quart sized glad bags. She wanted to stop at the store for gallon sized bags, but I told her there were plenty in her downstairs pantry, and retrieved them.
BA and I snuck to the side and planned that we would have M go into the church first and we would bring the sandwiches and cookies... which we would then toss in the dumpster at the side of the church because there was no way we were poisoning a whole congregation.
It also didn't escape our notice that she had a stack of paperwork on the table and the shredder near her chair. We have no idea what she was shredding.
J's phone rang and he ran downstairs to take the call... from the lawyer. He came back and told us that B never signed his new will. Neither of them signed the Durable Power of Attorney, so neither document was legally binding. His old will gave everything to M, the boys weren't named at all, and that was that. There was no need to go to the reading of the will, there was nothing we could do with M because the state of Washington had very strict laws about having someone put in a home, and we couldn't legally take anything out of the house without her consent. There was NOTHING we could do for her other than be there to support her, provide her with guidance, and then stand back while she yelled at us and accuse us of horrible things. Okey dokey then.
We drove to the service and M decided that she was only going to bring the tangerines, but would come back out for the cookies and sandwiches later (leaving them in the truck... longer... euw). We got some pretty strange looks from the congregation that came for the lunch. We sat at a table and a few people from the boys' past came up and chatted, but for the most part nobody even approached us. We tried to be sociable, but at one point I walked up to someone to introduce myself and they turned and walked away.
At some point, BA managed to talk to someone and came back to the table and said "that was weird, they were just telling me how it was such a shame that none of us could ever come visit their parents and how they never saw us... and how we weren't even expected to show up for the service." Um... every year. EVERY YEAR hubby came to Oregon and stayed with J and BA and their parents came to spend a week with them. J and BA would be at their house when they could get a pup sitter for their pets, and spent Christmas with them every year. M and B would drive to J and BA's house a lot, and they would fly out to our house. NEVER saw us?
The service was about to start, and M sat at the end of a pew, I feel bad, but I pushed BA into the pew first so she'd have to sit next to M, but it was every person for themselves at this point. The boys sat in front of us as they were scheduled to stand up and say a few words.
There was a table with the pictures that M picked out and I noticed that she had picked photos that had her in them... but there were NONE with the whole family, and none of them had the boys in them.
After some preaching and some group singing, the boys were asked to come up and tell their fond memories. J explained that their father was strict, but fair. M then said in a loud voice "You both deserved everything you got". BA and I did that slow, boiling turn toward her, she kind of smiled and shut up and let them speak.
The pastor then read M's tribute to B, which was essentially a nicer version of the toast she screamed out at the relatives house the night before, but instead of B working at the family store, in this version he worked at the bus station loading luggage into the bus.
After more signing and sermons (at one point J was overcome with emotion, and G hugged him and said something to make him laugh) the ceremony ended and everyone gathered toward the front near the flowers. Hubby's company had sent a rather large display of white roses and flowers. Someone else sent a bouquet of red roses, and then there was another smaller vase of assorted flowers. M walked up and said "I've had my eye on those white flowers, aren't they wonderful?". I said "oh yes, hubby's company sent those". M's face fell, like I just announced that they weren't flowers, but used toilet paper or something. She then said "oh, well, I don't want those in my house". She then turned to the pastor and said "can't we give those to the hospice or something". The pastor thought that having a funeral arrangement sent to a hospice wouldn't be a wise move, and offered to donate them to some place that would appreciate them. She huffed off after that. The pastor did remove one flower from each bouquet and gave that to her. (We found them in the trash later).
People seemed more comfortable approaching us and old family friends were telling stories. M was a bit miffed that people weren't paying attention to her, so she interrupted everyone by telling a story about how she made one of her uncles so mad that the uncle threw her in a mud puddle. She seemed very proud of that for some odd reason.
We finally managed to leave after almost everyone was gone, and we asked her if she wanted to go anywhere. She wanted to go home, so we took her home. We asked her if she wanted us to come in and spend time with her, and she said no, she wanted to be alone. We asked her if she wanted to go out later for dinner and she said NO, you go out and have a nice dinner.
We left. We went back to the hotel and crammed the platter of turkey sandwiches in the outside hotel trash bin along with the cookies, sat in the lobby for a bit and then went out to have a wonderful and relaxing dinner at Outback, where we pretty much sat there and went "holy crap, WTF?" After that we walked around Best Buy in a haze, went back to the hotel and talked about what we could do for her: nothing. She refused to let us do anything, we couldn't help her because she'd go nuts on us, she didn't want us to be at the will reading, or take her around to ensure her finances were in order... we decided that the only thing we could do was in the morning we'd pick up the ashes so she wouldn't have to do that (and drive).
J joined us, BA wanted to sleep in for a bit, so we decided to go get donuts at a small mom and pop donut shop that had been in business for several generations (tasty), then drive around so the boys could reminisce. It was very relaxing and fun listening to their childhood stories and seeing houses that their friends lived in. They passed by their first house and marveled at the fact that the extension on the back was still standing, as J and B had built it one summer. They were pretty tickled about seeing everything again, the good memories.
We got back to the hotel around 0930 to pick up BA and then drove to M's house because we had received her permission to download B's scanned photographs from his hard drive. They mirrored the entire drive onto two external hard drives to go over later when we got home.
We couldn't help but notice that the turkey wrap sandwiches were sitting on the kitchen counter. No idea how long they were sitting there, along with a platter of cookies (that were rock hard) and some tangerines in a bowl. Despite being told that the church would provide plenty of food, M wanted to take all of that stuff to "get rid of it", and had a container of quart sized glad bags. She wanted to stop at the store for gallon sized bags, but I told her there were plenty in her downstairs pantry, and retrieved them.
BA and I snuck to the side and planned that we would have M go into the church first and we would bring the sandwiches and cookies... which we would then toss in the dumpster at the side of the church because there was no way we were poisoning a whole congregation.
It also didn't escape our notice that she had a stack of paperwork on the table and the shredder near her chair. We have no idea what she was shredding.
J's phone rang and he ran downstairs to take the call... from the lawyer. He came back and told us that B never signed his new will. Neither of them signed the Durable Power of Attorney, so neither document was legally binding. His old will gave everything to M, the boys weren't named at all, and that was that. There was no need to go to the reading of the will, there was nothing we could do with M because the state of Washington had very strict laws about having someone put in a home, and we couldn't legally take anything out of the house without her consent. There was NOTHING we could do for her other than be there to support her, provide her with guidance, and then stand back while she yelled at us and accuse us of horrible things. Okey dokey then.
We drove to the service and M decided that she was only going to bring the tangerines, but would come back out for the cookies and sandwiches later (leaving them in the truck... longer... euw). We got some pretty strange looks from the congregation that came for the lunch. We sat at a table and a few people from the boys' past came up and chatted, but for the most part nobody even approached us. We tried to be sociable, but at one point I walked up to someone to introduce myself and they turned and walked away.
At some point, BA managed to talk to someone and came back to the table and said "that was weird, they were just telling me how it was such a shame that none of us could ever come visit their parents and how they never saw us... and how we weren't even expected to show up for the service." Um... every year. EVERY YEAR hubby came to Oregon and stayed with J and BA and their parents came to spend a week with them. J and BA would be at their house when they could get a pup sitter for their pets, and spent Christmas with them every year. M and B would drive to J and BA's house a lot, and they would fly out to our house. NEVER saw us?
The service was about to start, and M sat at the end of a pew, I feel bad, but I pushed BA into the pew first so she'd have to sit next to M, but it was every person for themselves at this point. The boys sat in front of us as they were scheduled to stand up and say a few words.
There was a table with the pictures that M picked out and I noticed that she had picked photos that had her in them... but there were NONE with the whole family, and none of them had the boys in them.
After some preaching and some group singing, the boys were asked to come up and tell their fond memories. J explained that their father was strict, but fair. M then said in a loud voice "You both deserved everything you got". BA and I did that slow, boiling turn toward her, she kind of smiled and shut up and let them speak.
The pastor then read M's tribute to B, which was essentially a nicer version of the toast she screamed out at the relatives house the night before, but instead of B working at the family store, in this version he worked at the bus station loading luggage into the bus.
After more signing and sermons (at one point J was overcome with emotion, and G hugged him and said something to make him laugh) the ceremony ended and everyone gathered toward the front near the flowers. Hubby's company had sent a rather large display of white roses and flowers. Someone else sent a bouquet of red roses, and then there was another smaller vase of assorted flowers. M walked up and said "I've had my eye on those white flowers, aren't they wonderful?". I said "oh yes, hubby's company sent those". M's face fell, like I just announced that they weren't flowers, but used toilet paper or something. She then said "oh, well, I don't want those in my house". She then turned to the pastor and said "can't we give those to the hospice or something". The pastor thought that having a funeral arrangement sent to a hospice wouldn't be a wise move, and offered to donate them to some place that would appreciate them. She huffed off after that. The pastor did remove one flower from each bouquet and gave that to her. (We found them in the trash later).
People seemed more comfortable approaching us and old family friends were telling stories. M was a bit miffed that people weren't paying attention to her, so she interrupted everyone by telling a story about how she made one of her uncles so mad that the uncle threw her in a mud puddle. She seemed very proud of that for some odd reason.
We finally managed to leave after almost everyone was gone, and we asked her if she wanted to go anywhere. She wanted to go home, so we took her home. We asked her if she wanted us to come in and spend time with her, and she said no, she wanted to be alone. We asked her if she wanted to go out later for dinner and she said NO, you go out and have a nice dinner.
We left. We went back to the hotel and crammed the platter of turkey sandwiches in the outside hotel trash bin along with the cookies, sat in the lobby for a bit and then went out to have a wonderful and relaxing dinner at Outback, where we pretty much sat there and went "holy crap, WTF?" After that we walked around Best Buy in a haze, went back to the hotel and talked about what we could do for her: nothing. She refused to let us do anything, we couldn't help her because she'd go nuts on us, she didn't want us to be at the will reading, or take her around to ensure her finances were in order... we decided that the only thing we could do was in the morning we'd pick up the ashes so she wouldn't have to do that (and drive).
Wednesday 8 November 2017
Hubby and I both woke up really early. Stress will do that to you. We took that opportunity to throw some clothes in the hotel washer/dryer so hubby would have something clean to wear on the flight home the next day.
We all gathered in the lobby for the free breakfast as usual and planned our day. B's golf buddy called us back to tell us that it would be best to abide by M's wishes about the ashes, despite the fact that B wanted some spread on his beloved golf course.
The lawyer had agreed to give us a private reading of the will, but since nobody was named in it, it didn't really matter at that point, it would be up to M to abide by his wishes. We knew that probably wouldn't happen, but were in not legal position to change that course of action. We cancelled the appointment and decided that we would go pick up the ashes to save M a drive, and then try to spend the last day together doing less stressful things.
We carried all of the things we had from the house up to J & BA's room so they could drive it back and mail us a box. That consisted of the two photo albums, the external hard drive that contained B's photos, and two sweaters. J held up one of the sweaters and pointed out not ironically that the sweater M let him have was the very sweater that he bought and gave to B for Christmas. He announced that he was going to have a sign put on the back: "My father died and all I got was this sweater that I gave to him for Christmas."
It wasn't until a week later that we realized that the only things M would let go were the things that boys had bought B as gifts. Hubby and I had purchased a high end SLR camera for him, and M gave that back to hubby, who then gave it to J because he didn't have a good camera. J and B both got sweaters that J had gifted to B. Bizarre.
We grabbed the empty urn out of the room and drove to the funeral home. It was our intention to just have them put the cremains in the urn and then take it to M, but they had legal paperwork that she needed to sign, and we couldn't. They told us that they would take the urn and have the cremains put into it, and as soon as M brought back the signed paperwork, they would release them to her. We took the paperwork and left with a small warning that they may want to call her if nobody showed up after a while. We figured she'd misplace the paperwork and forget.
The timeline of that last day is a bit foggy. We drove around and revisited their old neighborhood again and got to talk to some people they knew as kids. We ended up at the local mall and walked around, got something to eat. I think we were just delaying the final meeting with M. Nobody seemed to have a lot of strength or will to deal with it any more.
As we walked around the mall we joked about the various things we could have done to the urn. Hubby found a motion sensor hand that when you walked near it, it would give you the finger. We talked about taking the urn on fun trips and taking pictures of it. One of us said that we needed a picture of us walking with the urn about 10 feet behind us (because that's how they always walked "with" us). We could take it to casinos and strip clubs, on the golf course, etc.
We finally made it over to M's house. As we got out of the truck, the neighbor from across the street called to us and asked how B was doing. Um... he died a week ago? She said that she knew something was wrong because they hadn't put their trash on the curb and offered to help M with that. We told her that it was very nice to offer to do those things, but M also needed to learn how and when to do those things for herself (because she kept reminding us that she could handle everything on her own). BA stayed on the curb talking to the neighbors while we went inside. M met us in the doorway and said "What is BA doing talking to MY neighbor?" and rushed outside without waiting for an answer. BA came inside shortly after while M stayed out talking to the neighbor. As expected, when M came inside she lit into BA, yelling and shouting that we don't need to be talking about family business to complete strangers and to mind our own business, she's an adult and can handle her own life, she didn't need us. We explained that she had mentioned taking the garbage can to the curb. M spit back: "That's B's job, I don't have to worry about that."
Ok, so J handed her the cremation form that she needed to sign and return to the funeral home. He explained twice what she needed to do, but I could tell that M wasn't paying any attention because she was upset about us talking to the neighbor and kept saying that she couldn't balance her bank statement because the numbers kept changing. J tried to get her to focus on the form that she was just flapping around. She stomped off and put it somewhere in her office and came back out and was still talking about the number changing bank account. Someone mentioned that we could all just take her to the funeral home to pick up the urn, but she dismissed that and told us she was much too busy with balancing the account.
We all sat down in the living room. The stack of papers on the dining room table was much smaller, the shredder sitting near a chair. We chit chatted for a while, circling back around to the urn and cremains and what needed to be done, but each time she'd get visibly upset and angry, so we dropped it. After some uncomfortable silence, the boys asked if there was ANYTHING they could do for her while we were all there. NOPE! I can handle everything, I don't need anyone.
Ok. We told her that we all needed to do things to get ready to leave in the morning. We repeated that we were leaving in the morning. Have we mentioned that we're leaving in the morning? Yes, we are leaving in the morning so if there's anything you need. .. NO. Ok, then we'll be going.
We all hugged her, told her how sorry we were for her loss and how much we loved B and that all she needed to do was call (although I have no idea what we can do for her), and she showed us the door and told us that she needed to get back to balancing the bank account before the numbers changed again.
For the rest of the day and evening, we went to some nice places to eat and talk and just try to detox from the whole thing. We spent some time laughing and talking in the hotel lobby and then we said our good byes because we had to get up at 0300 to catch a 0545 flight back to the east coast.
We all gathered in the lobby for the free breakfast as usual and planned our day. B's golf buddy called us back to tell us that it would be best to abide by M's wishes about the ashes, despite the fact that B wanted some spread on his beloved golf course.
The lawyer had agreed to give us a private reading of the will, but since nobody was named in it, it didn't really matter at that point, it would be up to M to abide by his wishes. We knew that probably wouldn't happen, but were in not legal position to change that course of action. We cancelled the appointment and decided that we would go pick up the ashes to save M a drive, and then try to spend the last day together doing less stressful things.
We carried all of the things we had from the house up to J & BA's room so they could drive it back and mail us a box. That consisted of the two photo albums, the external hard drive that contained B's photos, and two sweaters. J held up one of the sweaters and pointed out not ironically that the sweater M let him have was the very sweater that he bought and gave to B for Christmas. He announced that he was going to have a sign put on the back: "My father died and all I got was this sweater that I gave to him for Christmas."
It wasn't until a week later that we realized that the only things M would let go were the things that boys had bought B as gifts. Hubby and I had purchased a high end SLR camera for him, and M gave that back to hubby, who then gave it to J because he didn't have a good camera. J and B both got sweaters that J had gifted to B. Bizarre.
We grabbed the empty urn out of the room and drove to the funeral home. It was our intention to just have them put the cremains in the urn and then take it to M, but they had legal paperwork that she needed to sign, and we couldn't. They told us that they would take the urn and have the cremains put into it, and as soon as M brought back the signed paperwork, they would release them to her. We took the paperwork and left with a small warning that they may want to call her if nobody showed up after a while. We figured she'd misplace the paperwork and forget.
The timeline of that last day is a bit foggy. We drove around and revisited their old neighborhood again and got to talk to some people they knew as kids. We ended up at the local mall and walked around, got something to eat. I think we were just delaying the final meeting with M. Nobody seemed to have a lot of strength or will to deal with it any more.
As we walked around the mall we joked about the various things we could have done to the urn. Hubby found a motion sensor hand that when you walked near it, it would give you the finger. We talked about taking the urn on fun trips and taking pictures of it. One of us said that we needed a picture of us walking with the urn about 10 feet behind us (because that's how they always walked "with" us). We could take it to casinos and strip clubs, on the golf course, etc.
We finally made it over to M's house. As we got out of the truck, the neighbor from across the street called to us and asked how B was doing. Um... he died a week ago? She said that she knew something was wrong because they hadn't put their trash on the curb and offered to help M with that. We told her that it was very nice to offer to do those things, but M also needed to learn how and when to do those things for herself (because she kept reminding us that she could handle everything on her own). BA stayed on the curb talking to the neighbors while we went inside. M met us in the doorway and said "What is BA doing talking to MY neighbor?" and rushed outside without waiting for an answer. BA came inside shortly after while M stayed out talking to the neighbor. As expected, when M came inside she lit into BA, yelling and shouting that we don't need to be talking about family business to complete strangers and to mind our own business, she's an adult and can handle her own life, she didn't need us. We explained that she had mentioned taking the garbage can to the curb. M spit back: "That's B's job, I don't have to worry about that."
Ok, so J handed her the cremation form that she needed to sign and return to the funeral home. He explained twice what she needed to do, but I could tell that M wasn't paying any attention because she was upset about us talking to the neighbor and kept saying that she couldn't balance her bank statement because the numbers kept changing. J tried to get her to focus on the form that she was just flapping around. She stomped off and put it somewhere in her office and came back out and was still talking about the number changing bank account. Someone mentioned that we could all just take her to the funeral home to pick up the urn, but she dismissed that and told us she was much too busy with balancing the account.
We all sat down in the living room. The stack of papers on the dining room table was much smaller, the shredder sitting near a chair. We chit chatted for a while, circling back around to the urn and cremains and what needed to be done, but each time she'd get visibly upset and angry, so we dropped it. After some uncomfortable silence, the boys asked if there was ANYTHING they could do for her while we were all there. NOPE! I can handle everything, I don't need anyone.
Ok. We told her that we all needed to do things to get ready to leave in the morning. We repeated that we were leaving in the morning. Have we mentioned that we're leaving in the morning? Yes, we are leaving in the morning so if there's anything you need. .. NO. Ok, then we'll be going.
We all hugged her, told her how sorry we were for her loss and how much we loved B and that all she needed to do was call (although I have no idea what we can do for her), and she showed us the door and told us that she needed to get back to balancing the bank account before the numbers changed again.
For the rest of the day and evening, we went to some nice places to eat and talk and just try to detox from the whole thing. We spent some time laughing and talking in the hotel lobby and then we said our good byes because we had to get up at 0300 to catch a 0545 flight back to the east coast.
Aftermath 9 November 2017
After we landed back home, hubby called J to let him know that we had made it home safely.
J told him that about an hour into their drive back to Oregon, M called him and said "Aren't you boys coming to pick me up to go to breakfast?" J explained that we were on a plane and he and BA were on the road driving home. She hung up on him without another word.
When J and BA arrived home, there were several messages on their machine from B's sister, and each message was more and more frantic... she was asking about her brother, and what had happened.
J called B's brother and found out that M had finally called him to let him know that B passed away... 5 days after he passed away, 3 days after they had a service for him. That wasn't bad enough. M then called him 2 more times to tell him the exact same thing. B's brother was the one that called their sister to let her know. M didn't even bother calling her.
The funeral home called J to let him know that M had called the funeral home 6 times asking where B's urn and cremains were. Each time they would explain that we had dropped off the form she needed to bring back and sign and they would give her the urn with cremains. SIX times she called, oblivious to the fact that she was told the same thing over and over. On call #6, the funeral home director told her that she would bring a copy of the form and the urn with cremains to M's house. The funeral home director told J that they felt that was much safer than having M driving.
We all think that at some point, M will find the form that we had dropped off and she will start calling the funeral home asking where B's urn and ashes are. We're just waiting for that call to come.
J and BA made calls to the police department about our concerns, they directed them to call the local Senior Services Department (which they did). They also called M's doctor to let them know of our concerns. Under state law, we can't force M to go to the doctor for an evaluation, M has to come on her own volition. The head nurse did say she would make M an appointment, call her and tell her she had an appointment, but it was up to M to actually show up for the appointment. J called the local relative and asked if she could help M remember the appointment and make sure she got to it. The local relative refused because she felt that M was perfectly fine and that we were just trying to do something sneaky. Yep, there's no lengths that we won't go through to get a train set and some salt and pepper shakers. We're evil that way.
Three days after we left, M called J and asked him for help with the paperwork and finances. Had she allowed us to set up her computer so the boys could remote in, or at the very least make a copy of their finances to see what needed to be done, they could help her, but she didn't allow that, wouldn't even let them see her financials or any paperwork and told them over and over that she could handle everything on her own... so no, we can't help her. She called back 10 minutes after they talked and asked him the same thing.
Ten days after we left, hubby called M who said that she couldn't figure out the paperwork, couldn't balance her bank statements, so she will go to the lawyers and have them take care of everything and pay her bills. Um... lawyers aren't accountants, and lawyers are also very expensive, so she's paying someone who isn't qualified to handle her finances and charge her way too much money to do something they aren't qualified to do. As we predicted, she will quickly run out of money. Our best hope is that they can see that she isn't capable of caring for herself and put her in a nice home, but we also know the nature of these things and as we also predicted, whether she signs everything over to the lawyer, or the state swoops in, the house, its belongings and everything will be sold and nobody in the family will get one red cent, nobody will get family pictures or train sets, or salt and pepper shakers... it'll all be gone. As it is also the nature of things, she will be placed in the cheapest place and probably receive substandard care... which means as we also predicted, it will be up to us to make sure that doesn't happen. Unfortunately it will happen after all of her money is gone, all of her belongings sold and money spent of legal fees. We tried to help her. We tried to make sure she would have been cared for, safe, and healthy. She said no.
As much as she infuriated us, treated the boys like crap their entire lives, belittled and pushed the daughters-in-law away (they told BA at her wedding that they wished J was marrying someone else because he would be much happier)... we are all decent people and it is our duty to take care of our parents when they are unable to. I just wish she would have made it easier.
Postscript: After we returned home, hubby turned on his computer and fired up Facebook and got an immediate notification that he had a message waiting on the Facebook Messenger app... from his father. It was simply a picture of Multnomah Falls, a place they used to visit a lot when hubby was a child. It had been sent on October 25, 2017. We have no idea why it just popped up suddenly, other than we hope it was B's way of saying that he was in a much nicer place.
Postscript: Hubby called his mother (he and J call every few days to make sure she's fine) and asked M if she was still planning on flying out here to go to his college graduation ceremony. He said that he knew how important it was for them (since they had nagged and bitched for years about how disappointed they were that he never went to college) M responds "well, it was ONLY important to B" and said she's not coming.
J told him that about an hour into their drive back to Oregon, M called him and said "Aren't you boys coming to pick me up to go to breakfast?" J explained that we were on a plane and he and BA were on the road driving home. She hung up on him without another word.
When J and BA arrived home, there were several messages on their machine from B's sister, and each message was more and more frantic... she was asking about her brother, and what had happened.
J called B's brother and found out that M had finally called him to let him know that B passed away... 5 days after he passed away, 3 days after they had a service for him. That wasn't bad enough. M then called him 2 more times to tell him the exact same thing. B's brother was the one that called their sister to let her know. M didn't even bother calling her.
The funeral home called J to let him know that M had called the funeral home 6 times asking where B's urn and cremains were. Each time they would explain that we had dropped off the form she needed to bring back and sign and they would give her the urn with cremains. SIX times she called, oblivious to the fact that she was told the same thing over and over. On call #6, the funeral home director told her that she would bring a copy of the form and the urn with cremains to M's house. The funeral home director told J that they felt that was much safer than having M driving.
We all think that at some point, M will find the form that we had dropped off and she will start calling the funeral home asking where B's urn and ashes are. We're just waiting for that call to come.
J and BA made calls to the police department about our concerns, they directed them to call the local Senior Services Department (which they did). They also called M's doctor to let them know of our concerns. Under state law, we can't force M to go to the doctor for an evaluation, M has to come on her own volition. The head nurse did say she would make M an appointment, call her and tell her she had an appointment, but it was up to M to actually show up for the appointment. J called the local relative and asked if she could help M remember the appointment and make sure she got to it. The local relative refused because she felt that M was perfectly fine and that we were just trying to do something sneaky. Yep, there's no lengths that we won't go through to get a train set and some salt and pepper shakers. We're evil that way.
Three days after we left, M called J and asked him for help with the paperwork and finances. Had she allowed us to set up her computer so the boys could remote in, or at the very least make a copy of their finances to see what needed to be done, they could help her, but she didn't allow that, wouldn't even let them see her financials or any paperwork and told them over and over that she could handle everything on her own... so no, we can't help her. She called back 10 minutes after they talked and asked him the same thing.
Ten days after we left, hubby called M who said that she couldn't figure out the paperwork, couldn't balance her bank statements, so she will go to the lawyers and have them take care of everything and pay her bills. Um... lawyers aren't accountants, and lawyers are also very expensive, so she's paying someone who isn't qualified to handle her finances and charge her way too much money to do something they aren't qualified to do. As we predicted, she will quickly run out of money. Our best hope is that they can see that she isn't capable of caring for herself and put her in a nice home, but we also know the nature of these things and as we also predicted, whether she signs everything over to the lawyer, or the state swoops in, the house, its belongings and everything will be sold and nobody in the family will get one red cent, nobody will get family pictures or train sets, or salt and pepper shakers... it'll all be gone. As it is also the nature of things, she will be placed in the cheapest place and probably receive substandard care... which means as we also predicted, it will be up to us to make sure that doesn't happen. Unfortunately it will happen after all of her money is gone, all of her belongings sold and money spent of legal fees. We tried to help her. We tried to make sure she would have been cared for, safe, and healthy. She said no.
As much as she infuriated us, treated the boys like crap their entire lives, belittled and pushed the daughters-in-law away (they told BA at her wedding that they wished J was marrying someone else because he would be much happier)... we are all decent people and it is our duty to take care of our parents when they are unable to. I just wish she would have made it easier.
Postscript: After we returned home, hubby turned on his computer and fired up Facebook and got an immediate notification that he had a message waiting on the Facebook Messenger app... from his father. It was simply a picture of Multnomah Falls, a place they used to visit a lot when hubby was a child. It had been sent on October 25, 2017. We have no idea why it just popped up suddenly, other than we hope it was B's way of saying that he was in a much nicer place.
Postscript: Hubby called his mother (he and J call every few days to make sure she's fine) and asked M if she was still planning on flying out here to go to his college graduation ceremony. He said that he knew how important it was for them (since they had nagged and bitched for years about how disappointed they were that he never went to college) M responds "well, it was ONLY important to B" and said she's not coming.
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